Saying What You Mean

This post started out much differently; I was actually writing about something completely different and then realized, “This is not what I want to say right now,” – so I decided to toss it out and start again. You can do that on a blog… so much different than the real world. In the real world, you don’t get to “toss it out and start again.” Which can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on the circumstances at that particular moment.

I’m a little stuck right now, emotionally speaking. Fortunately or unfortunately, it doesn’t have anything to do with the Bunny – even more amazing what with being this close to the yearly anniversaries. By the calendar, exactly fifteen days from now marks the year anniversary of his accident. I’m still not sure how I am going to feel when that day arrives. Sometimes, what with the "busy"-ness of my life, I get a little anxious, thinking that I will forget. But then I stop and think: aren’t I supposed to forget? No, that can’t be right… I’m not sure how I am supposed to feel, what I am supposed to think. Sorrow that my husband is dead. Relief that it’s finally been a year. It’s all very confusing.

I was leaving my house the other day and in doing so crossed paths with one of my neighbors. We said our hellos and “have a nice days” and she mentioned remarking to her husband recently upon seeing me on my way somewhere, “Why is she so happy all the time?” That made me stop and think: Why AM I happy all the time? And I decided, I love being alive. I love the people in my life. I love having my home (a.k.a. my “sanctuary”). I love my freedom, and I love doing things that I, well… love. Like writing, and singing, and helping people understand life insurance. I am getting my degree (less than a year to go before I graduate) – I really love learning – and I am trying to take care of my body and health. Okay, I don’t love exercising all that much, I will admit, but I was just last week telling the doctor how amazed I was at the difference all this working out has been making on my blood sugars – they’ve almost been normal. Other than the insulin injections, I can almost forget I am a diabetic.

So… stuck. Still hung up in places in my heart that I would have expected to be freed up by now. But as I said before, I don’t call the shots there. It’s not as bad as you might imagine. I mean, my future is so nebulous, so vague, so.. “I don’t know what the fuck is going to happen, so why worry?” Which means that in the meantime, here in this moment, I am feeling pretty good. No expectations, just… living. Breathing. Being happy. I figure I am doing well, all things considered.

Whenever I start to get a little agitated, a little stir crazy, I remember that given enough time, things do evolve. Here it is, almost a year after the Bunny’s accident, and my life is very different than it was then. Each day passes, then you kind of look at everything going on and you say, “Wow!? Where did all these things come from?” That’s when it’s better to just keep pushing forward, instead of stopping and thinking. Trudging along that road, maybe not knowing where it ends up, but knowing it DOES end. And if you keep putting one foot in front of the other, eventually you will get there. It is this thought that keeps me sane right now. Things will evolve. My heart needs to feel love right now even if it’s only a fantasy, only in my mind. It’s like pure oxygen in the tank. If you are healthy, that pure oxygen will burn your lungs. But if your body is in enough distress, that pure oxygen will keep you alive.

I have to be careful I don’t get involved with someone just to get past some of these other feelings. Part of it is my fear of there being nobody in this world who will truly accept me as I am – not try to change me. I remember that my husband loved me like this… but I also remember he was an unusual combination of characteristics and quirks. It’s like winning the lottery. Or being struck by lightning. What’s the chances of it happening twice in my lifetime? I try not to think about it. Just breathe. Be happy. Live.

Things DO evolve.