December 1, 2008

I want to thank each of you for your prayers and thoughts, and those of you who have sent personal messages, and those who have called, and those who have extended offers of support in these trying times for our family.

Russ has never been a "half-way" sort of guy.. with the things he likes to do or with his family; he's always been pretty opinionated ("stubborn" comes to mind) - of the many things about him which attracts me, I like this one in particular because it's always very clear where he stands, which of course has made for interesting arguments. :-)

All of you may not realize that some years ago (before he and I got together), Russ broke his back - I think it involved some car engine falling on him during some maintenance thing - the jist of this story is that he went to doctor after doctor until he found one that believed that Russ would recover to the point of being able to walk again, ride his bike.. basically be restored to his life prior to the accident. And he succeeded.. Russ went on (with the help of some additional hardware, of course) to walk, work, do centuries (100-mile bike rides) - I think not only a testament to his own fortitude but also of not throwing in the towel even when the majority of people (in this case, doctors) around him were saying something different.

In conversations with a few of you, I have mentioned my internal struggles to balance the doctors' information and prognosis for Russ' long-term recovery, versus the hopes and prayers of all of us who love him. What I've come to understand over the past few weeks is that the doctors have not just been trying to paint a realistic picture tempered with our hopes, but also that their perception is driven by the irrefutable realities of Russ' particular injuries. I have been following the daily updates amongst the family, the continual tracking of the numbers fluctuating - sometimes better, sometimes worse - and certainly from a physical aspect becoming more "stable".. but what I've realized too is the damage to Russ' brain is a) significantly extensive and b) almost assuredly irreversable. While from a certain standpoint it is possible to bring his physical person to a "manageable state" (by manageable I mean sustainable with life support, something Russ was strongly against), the ability for the doctors to affect Russ' capability to ever be aware of the loved ones that surround him has, for all intents and purposes, been compromised beyond any actions on their part.

Having said all that, I don't want you to interpret this message as "all hope is lost" - hope is never lost, and as a proponent of the power of prayer I keep my husband in mine (as I know you do)... whatever the ultimate outcome. Recently I had the opportunity to think back to my life before Russ until today, and while this challenge right now is the worst we've dealt with, I am so thankful he came into my life, because I am a much better person for his influence and care.

The gravity of Russ' condition prompted a conversation between the staff and myself earlier today. I want you each to know that I have told the doctors that should Russ arrest (which is a distinct possibility) for them to not take any extraordinary measures to resucitate him, especially as it appears he will never be able to physically function without the help of life support. This would be unacceptable to the Russ I know and love.. and in these matters I feel it is my obligation as his wife to see through on whatever actions he would choose for himself.

May you all have peace,

Shirley