By Degrees

A good friend of mine told me recently that an acquaintance of hers had committed suicide. My friend is a voice teacher, and the gentleman in question was one of her students. Apparently this man was dealing with a Parkinson’s diagnosis, had a lot of financial troubles – on the verge of losing his home – I guess it was more than he wanted to deal with. I have been intimately acquainted with suicide – those that have attempted it, and those that have succeeded. It’s an emotional decision that people try to logically justify – I don’t know if you have known any suicidal people in your life, but someone who is contemplating taking his or her life will sit there and “make a list” of all the reasons why suicide makes sense: I can’t hold down a job, my spouse left me, I can’t succeed at anything I do in my life, I can’t get ahead, nobody is having problems like these, nobody understands… nobody will miss me if I am gone.

I tend to think that people just get tired of the struggle. Because that’s what life is a big majority of the time – a series of struggles. The struggles that drive us, inspire us, that strengthen all of our emotional muscles when we overcome whatever adversity happens to be right in front of us at any particular moment. But after a lifetime of struggles, sometimes it just seems to take more energy to keep on living. I guess I can understand those feelings… people tell me all the time I have a lot of energy, but sometimes it feels like it takes a lot of effort to just get out of bed in the morning.

About a year ago, shortly following the Bunny’s death, one of his stepsons, Nicholas – Nick was the middle kid; the oldest stepson Jesse, and of course the Bunny’s son Trevor being the youngest – killed himself. I didn’t know him well, but during our marriage Nick did visit infrequently. He was always respectful, though I knew he was troubled; he had some issues which required ongoing medication and he suffered from Tourette’s syndrome. When the Bunny came into the picture with Trevor’s mom, Nick was barely two years old. Even though both he and his older brother Jesse had different fathers, my understanding is that the boys saw the Bunny as their father figure – he and Trevor’s mother were together for approximately 12 years – the formative years of these boys’ lives.

I saw Nick and Jesse along with Trevor at the Bunny’s services; everyone was concerned about Trevor and how he was handling the loss of his father, but I think back to Nick and Jesse. Both in their mid-twenties, for all intents and purposes “adults,” at least outwardly. Unfortunately the boys all grew up in an environment that encouraged “not sharing innermost feelings” as those things tended to be upsetting to people around them… so I imagine Nick didn’t talk to anyone about what was going on in his head. And because he was overwhelmed with those feelings, the only way he could escape them was to put a gun to it.

I had a conversation with Trevor shortly after these events; I’ve always been on shaky ground as far as my role in Trevor’s life; when I had been dating the Bunny and it was becoming fairly serious, I caused a huge uproar with Trevor's mom by trying to give Trevor a photo album with pictures of us – Trevor, the Bunny, me and my son Christopher – it was constantly held up to me that I was NOT his mother… this was hard to reconcile because Trevor was the only son of the man I loved – how could caring about him and wanting to show him affection be wrong? Anyway, following the death of his father and then his brother, I told Trevor that it was a mistake for Nick to not open up to anyone, to not share what he was thinking and feeling, because in doing so it was too easy for him to convince himself that “nobody cared, nobody understood, nobody would miss me if I were gone…” – if the only voice you listen to is the one in your head, it’s easy to be seduced into believing that voice is truth, reality… and it isn’t always so. That voice can enable you, wanting to protect you, inadvertently creating a cocoon which traps your spirit… and unless something external can break through, like the love and support of people that care about you… you are in danger of losing yourself completely.

I have learned (albiet, painfully) that when things seem their darkest, the best thing to do is wait it out. Because the world will continue turning, and things – as bad as they seem to get sometimes – will change. And those things in turn will cause me to change. Drive me. Inspire me. And when I pull myself through to the other side, I always feel stronger. People are always telling me how strong I am – I like to think of it as stubbornness. Or tenacity. Nothing and nobody is ever going to make me feel SO bad and SO worthless that I would rather be dead. I felt that way a long time ago, and I vowed to never feel like that again. And it’s a vow I intend to keep.

Going through some of the Bunny’s papers recently, I came across a letter Nick wrote to him. It brings tears to my eyes, because now Nick and the Bunny do have something in common – a big, obvious thing. But they have something else: immortality in the minds and hearts of those of us left behind. And for me, it serves as a constant reminder that making connections with the people around me IS the most important thing there is… and in doing this, the one that is saved is myself.

* * *

Dear Dad,

I know we haven’t gotten along in the past. I just hope our relationship will brighten up pretty soon. I long for the day that we can do something together without arguing. Or without regret or interference. There are some days that we can go through without arguing. Usually those are the ones where I am gone most of the day. But I really hope that soon we can just laugh our way through a day and just have fun. It’s kinda hard ‘cause we have almost nothing in common. But I want to look beyond that to what we do have in common. Someday I hope we can do that.

Love,

Nick

Love Never Dies: December 7, 2008

Hello friends and loved ones,

It saddens me to inform you that our beloved Russell passed away early this morning. His body simply failed him, and the nurses tell me he was not under any unnecessary duress or pain.

Thank you for your prayers and thoughts, and I know he will forever remain in all of the hearts of those who loved him.

Shirley

December 1, 2008

I want to thank each of you for your prayers and thoughts, and those of you who have sent personal messages, and those who have called, and those who have extended offers of support in these trying times for our family.

Russ has never been a "half-way" sort of guy.. with the things he likes to do or with his family; he's always been pretty opinionated ("stubborn" comes to mind) - of the many things about him which attracts me, I like this one in particular because it's always very clear where he stands, which of course has made for interesting arguments. :-)

All of you may not realize that some years ago (before he and I got together), Russ broke his back - I think it involved some car engine falling on him during some maintenance thing - the jist of this story is that he went to doctor after doctor until he found one that believed that Russ would recover to the point of being able to walk again, ride his bike.. basically be restored to his life prior to the accident. And he succeeded.. Russ went on (with the help of some additional hardware, of course) to walk, work, do centuries (100-mile bike rides) - I think not only a testament to his own fortitude but also of not throwing in the towel even when the majority of people (in this case, doctors) around him were saying something different.

In conversations with a few of you, I have mentioned my internal struggles to balance the doctors' information and prognosis for Russ' long-term recovery, versus the hopes and prayers of all of us who love him. What I've come to understand over the past few weeks is that the doctors have not just been trying to paint a realistic picture tempered with our hopes, but also that their perception is driven by the irrefutable realities of Russ' particular injuries. I have been following the daily updates amongst the family, the continual tracking of the numbers fluctuating - sometimes better, sometimes worse - and certainly from a physical aspect becoming more "stable".. but what I've realized too is the damage to Russ' brain is a) significantly extensive and b) almost assuredly irreversable. While from a certain standpoint it is possible to bring his physical person to a "manageable state" (by manageable I mean sustainable with life support, something Russ was strongly against), the ability for the doctors to affect Russ' capability to ever be aware of the loved ones that surround him has, for all intents and purposes, been compromised beyond any actions on their part.

Having said all that, I don't want you to interpret this message as "all hope is lost" - hope is never lost, and as a proponent of the power of prayer I keep my husband in mine (as I know you do)... whatever the ultimate outcome. Recently I had the opportunity to think back to my life before Russ until today, and while this challenge right now is the worst we've dealt with, I am so thankful he came into my life, because I am a much better person for his influence and care.

The gravity of Russ' condition prompted a conversation between the staff and myself earlier today. I want you each to know that I have told the doctors that should Russ arrest (which is a distinct possibility) for them to not take any extraordinary measures to resucitate him, especially as it appears he will never be able to physically function without the help of life support. This would be unacceptable to the Russ I know and love.. and in these matters I feel it is my obligation as his wife to see through on whatever actions he would choose for himself.

May you all have peace,

Shirley

November 26, 2008

On this Thanksgiving eve, I wanted to tell you that I am very thankful to all of you, for your love and prayers, for valuing your relationship with Russ and me, and for being hopeful that miracles do happen.

Last month Russ, Christopher and I celebrated Russ' 50th birthday in Las Vegas... I had planned the trip as a suprise, and arranged a few activities I thought Russ would enjoy - we saw Blue Man Group, had Russ' birthday dinner at the Delmonico steak house, and Russ spent some time as "Dolphin Trainer for a Day" at the Secret Garden/Dolphin Habitat at the Mirage. He was skeptical at first, and he was horrified at having to wear a wetsuit ("Look how fat I look!!.. don't ever show these pictures to ANYONE!").. but I think when it was all said and done he enjoyed the experience.

As far as Russ' condition it is pretty much the same; he is still in a coma, his numbers go up and down (right now they are lower so that's good), the doctors are in the process of giving him an EEG (brain waves test) although they simply expect the results to support what they see Russ physically doing or not doing.. it's clear the recovery period will be a long one, so I am content with the days passing without any huge swings in either direction (although sitting up and saying "hi" would be GREAT!) because one of those days will mark the end of the weeks and weeks we must patiently wait through to get the prize - Russ completely recovered and returning home to us to resume our happy life.

I also heard from the insurance company, Russ' bike was totaled, so they are handling all of that for me - I'm sure that's one of the first things he will ask about when he wakes up. :-)

At his friend Louie's service on Monday I was reminded of the importance of family, and taking time out of our busy lives to be with the people we love... so my wish for you all is to have a wonderful Thanksgiving with the people YOU love, and remember that now is the time for that visit, that phone call, that repairing of a damaged relationship. Right now. Go!!

Shirley

November 21, 2008

Russ' ICP was as low as 12 today (a normal person's ICP is 10 or less, so 12 was very good). Not constantly, mind you, but during my visits I only saw it hit 30 once, and that was because the nurses were suctioning or doing some other thing they had to do. Even though the ICP number is very important and the nurses do whatever they can to keep it low (medications, ice packs around his head, air conditioning on full blast, the lights turned off, etc.), they also have to do things like suction fluid from his lungs, and turn his body to the side every few hours propped up with pillows so he gets enough circulation. Of course those things tend to aggravate the ICP number, so it's a very delicate balancing act of competing needs. But overall, it was a day like the first two, so I was satisfied.

One other note: the ventilator (helping Russ to breathe) originally was at 90% oxygen mix (normal air you and I breathe is about 21% oxygen mix) and is now at around 55% oxygen mix, which means his body is better able to take in the air and oxygenate his blood, which in turn carries oxygen to his brain. So the short answer is that's a positive sign.

I did get a chance to speak with Officer Adams today, and while he really didn't have much additional information to share with regard to the accident, we did speak for a moment about the woman driving the car who hit Louie. As far as I gathered, she wasn't drunk, or on anything; she had seen the two motorcycles pass by, go over the hill, she came over the hill shortly after, and seeing Russ' bike headlight from the shoulder looked around for the 2nd motorcycle. She never saw Louie - she only felt her car hit him. I write this because I can't imagine what she must feel like to know she killed someone in her car... as bad as I feel that he's gone and I know Loretta is devastated, I don't think there is anything that anyone can do to that woman that she isn't going to do to herself, a hundred times over, for the rest of her life. My heart goes out to her... when I say my prayers for Russ and for Louie's family, I can't help but say a few for that poor woman.

Russ' son Trevor arrived earlier this evening from England (where he lives with his mom) and he came to the hospital to see his dad. Before he did, I kept him out in the hall and explained the extent of the injuries, and described what he would see in the hospital room. Trevor listened quietly, and after I felt I had prepared him with enough information, we took him in. I was very proud of him.. if he was distressed (and how could he not be) he didn't show it. I worry about what Trevor is feeling about all of this; but I did tell him that his dad is going to be happy to see him WHEN he wakes up.

I think I am ready to go to updates when we hit some good benchmarks (as opposed to daily), but I appreciate everything you have been doing to keep everyone informed. If at any time you would like to know how Russ is doing just shoot me a message and I will be happy to tell you.

God bless you all,

Shirley

November 19, 2008

Today was one of those "less good" days, and despite the fact that I was warned of that possibility in advance, it didn't make it any easier to bear.

Russ' intracranial pressure (ICP) number was elevated, and so the medical staff had to stop some lung treatment they were doing (they had Russ strapped to this table that tilts at 60-degree angles from side to side) because the tilting was further aggravating the ICP. He did blink earlier in the day, but I was told that from earlier to later this evening his "gag reflex" was weaker, which indicates "less responsive."

I spoke to his primary doctor, and we talked about things like "how serious" Russ' head injury is, and how his 50-year old body is going to be less resilient than say, a 20- or 30-year old's, and how the chances of him coming out of this without some permanent damage are slim (yes, and exactly how you think I was reacting to this conversation is pretty much how I was reacting). And after blubbering and feeling sorry for myself and Russ all the way home from the hospital, I had a few conversations with friends who reminded me (as I know all of you would remind me) that Russ has the will to get through this, that he's strong, that I can't lose hope even when things look hopeless... it was also pointed out to me that it's part of the doctor's job to make me aware of the possibilities (aka "worst case scenario"), and Russ has made it this far; I think the jury is still out on him.

Tomorrow I will meet with one of the investigating officers from Orange PD and so hopefully get more insight into what happened as far as the accident. I've heard some conflicting (and troubling) details that I want him to clarify for me, including the suggestion that Russ was "intoxicated more than a few beers" which would be completely out of character for both him and Louie; they went on several of these rides and were always very cautious and careful, and I also know from past experience if it came down to it, Russ would have called me if he felt incapable of riding in that situation. I told someone close to me earlier in the week: "Sometimes accidents just happen.." ...even when you do everything right. It would be easy for me to pin the responsibility on someone, or something - anything to give me a REASON why Russ is lying in the hospital with a cracked skull right now, but you know what, having a reason doesn't change the outcome. So reasons are of no importance to me.

I promised you information on Louie's services which will be held at Rose Hills in Whittier. Viewing times are scheduled this Sunday at 5:30pm and 7pm, funeral services are scheduled for 11am Monday. I plan to attend Monday... Louie was a good guy, and he was a good friend to my husband right up until the very last second. I know Russ will be sad to hear he's gone.

I look forward to giving you a better update tomorrow.

Shirley

November 18, 2008

So the highlights for today: Russ' blood pressure was a bit more stable, which in turn helped the acid level go down, which made the medical staff happy. He was also running high blood sugars (shock of the accident; and in response to some of the medications) but that also seemed to be more within normal range (there's only room for ONE diabetic person in this family, after all!). They have him on a feeding tube, first to make sure he's got nutrients to support his body's healing, but also to keep his stomach in working order.

I have a message out for the neurologist for the results of the three previous CTs of his head, but haven't gotten to speak with him yet - I will most likely track somebody down tomorrow morning... but they are no longer sedating Russ, which I took to be a positive sign (he is still in a coma, and if for some reason he woke up they would RE-sedate him.. but they would want to see if he was "close" to waking up).

I got the chance for a short visit with Loretta earlier this evening; I believe she will be having Louie's services on Monday... if I can pin down the details I will share them with you.

Only 24 hours hours to finish off the "first 72 hours critical window immediately following the accident".. so I will feel a little more relieved this time tomorrow.

After tomorrow I will most likely update you only with "significant" changes (good or bad) so you won't see an email every day, but rest assured you'll hear about any new developments in Russ' condition.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Shirley

November 17, 2008

I hate to share this news via email, but I hope you will forgive me.

I wanted to let you know that Russ was in a pretty serious motorcycle accident last night, coming home from a ride with a group that included his friend Louie. I don't know the details yet as I have not made it over to the Orange Police Department to see the report, but it seems that Russ and Louie (who I believe were on their way home judging from the location of the accident) "bumped" into each other; Russ went off into a ditch... Louie went down also, and was subsequently run over by a car and killed. Russ was barely breathing when paramedics arrived and is in the ICU department in critical condition at Western Medical Center in Santa Ana. He is currently being monitored by the doctors and nurses; I don't want to get into all the details here, but he is being sedated (therefore not conscious) and the message from the doctors is that it's "life-or-death" in these next few days as he is suffering from brain swelling amongst other things. All the damage is from the neck up, pretty much (in the worst possible of places).

I am on my way back to the hospital this morning; he is scheduled for a CT scan and I should be able to speak to the neurologist to get a more definitive prognosis.

I ask for your prayers in the meantime, and if anyone wants to get ahold of me my cell is on - but if it's for an update please wait a few hours.

* * * * * * * * * *

First, I want to tell you how much it means to me to have all of your thoughts and prayers for Russ. I am happy to report he is doing incrementally better today than yesterday, which makes me feel hopeful as the first 72 hours following the accident are the most critical (in cases of head trauma).

Russ is in a coma, AND he is being sedated. This is because he needs to be the most relaxed/least stressed as possible to recuperate, and apparently a coma by itself isn't relaxed enough. The nurses have also told me that visitors (I have not restricted anyone from visiting), especially at this "acute" stage, must not over-stimulate Russ as it will impede his recovery. Once he gets some improvements under his belt, visitors will be better for him, so please know that your thoughts and prayers are truly the best way you can help him right now.

Here's the update to my info: As far as the accident, Russ and Louie were on their way home from a day long ride, their last stop was Cook's Corner, a biker bar (Santiago Canyon area) - this was typical for their rides, and they've been on several. It seems that at the bottom of the windy canyon road, Russ lost control of his bike and went off into the ditch. Louie, seeing Russ lose control, laid his bike down and started to walk over to see if he was okay. As Louie was walking over, a car struck and killed him.

The paramedics reporting to the scene got to Russ who was barely breathing, tubed him for oxygen, and transported him to Western Medical Center in Santa Ana, where he was stabilized and has been in ICU since last night. He has 15 broken ribs, a broken back, some broken bones in his neck, some cracks on his head. He was moving his arms and legs earlier today (reflex movements) so it doesn't appear he is paralyzed. The most trauma is from the neck up. He does show bleeding in his brain, and particularly his brain stem, which controls automatic bodily functions (i.e. breathing), but we won't know the extent of that until much later. Right now the ICU is trying to manage the brain swelling and pressure, and his body is overly acidic (most likely in response to the shock of the accident) - other possible causes of the acid would be internal bleeding or a bruised heart, and both of those scans came back clean. He is on breathing apparatus, but he is capable of breathing on his own; the apparatus is there to support his breathing. He did aspirate some fluid into his lungs, which is being monitored as this can cause pneumonia; so far he does NOT have pneumonia but if it should develop the ICU will address it at that time (they just wanted to keep me informed of the possibilities).

I was at the hospital most of the day, and I have to say the nurses are very attentive and the doctors answer all of my questions with the utmost patience and sympathy, so I am thankful for that. I have heard from more than one person that this is a very good medical facility for Russ to be taken care of at, and that gives me comfort along with everything else.

Several of you have been offering any help I may need, and at this time it is most helpful that you help me to keep everyone informed on Russ' progress. Please rest assured I don't have any problems asking for help, and I won't try to be a martyr... right now though I want to think positive because I really think that doing so - along with hundreds of prayers - does make all the difference.

Shirley

Shirley's Bio

In pursuit of my degree, it is customary to post a short biography at the beginning of every five week class so the facilitator and students can get a sense of each other (in an online environment, words are all you have to go by). Here is my latest revision:


My name is Shirley Downie, and I am a 38-year old woman of Spanish descent. I live in California with my 17-year old son, Christopher.

One year ago, my husband Russ was killed in a motorcycle accident. I was already working towards my degree, and certainly this devastating event sidetracked those plans – along with everything else – and I was forced to drop the class I was attending at the time.

Beyond the shock, anger, sadness and array of other emotions that I’ve had to deal with in trying to process my loss, my instincts guided me to the realization that life – my life – goes on. This idea has been reinforced for me every day since my husband’s death. So I’m still here, with less than a year to go to achieve my educational goal.

I am an expressive communicator, which means it’s all about feelings and emotions for me. In my professional career much of my experience is drawn from positions of customer service, training, and project management. I produce the best results when I am allowed free reign to meet an objective using my own methods. I am a self-employed life insurance agent (primarily), with a smattering of other business ventures mixed in which include public relations and music.

I enjoy the learning environment and interpersonal interaction that school provides, but as my life gets busier I confess I am looking forward to graduation next October – particularly because I will be able to recoup all of the time in my schedule currently devoted to assignments and studying.

I also look forward – with growing excitement – to the many possibilities of life.

People Places Things

Here is the itinerary for the ride on Sunday. Call my cell if you have any questions – Julie XXX-XXX-XXXX

8AM – McDonald’s, Fullerton: 57 freeway, off at Chapman, go east, it’s on the southeast corner of Placentia Avenue and Chapman Avenue

9AM – Breakfast at Francie’s Pub, Corona (102 River Road) – 91 freeway east, off at Lincoln Avenue, turn right, then a right on River Road

Pechanga Casino, Temecula – 15 south, off at Temecula Parkway, turn left, Pechanga Parkway, turn right

Hell’s Kitchen, Lake Elsinore – 32685 Ortega Highway

Tom’s Farms, Corona – Off I-15, Temescal Canyon Road
(this last location was crossed out, replaced by "Cook’s Corner" in the Bunny's handwriting)

* * *

These are the places my husband visited his last day on Earth. He was with friends, doing something he was passionate about. Regardless of how it turned out, I know that he was on his way home to me.

I generally don’t make it a habit of torturing myself with the “what ifs.” Yes, occasionally I do lament the unfairness of things, but for the most part I am grateful for the time I had with the Bunny – the life we had together.

It’s been a year, and the intense shock has dulled somewhat. I am still very sad – though my positive, happy self stubbornly refuses to lay down and be quiet – the Bunny is never far from my thoughts.

Life has continued; sometimes a year seems like an eternity, other times it feels like just a few passing moments… I’m afraid of forgetting him. I’m afraid of losing myself. I don’t think I was meant to spend so much time alone – it gives me way too much time to think. Too much thinking isn’t good, because if I am not problem-solving, it’s very likely I am problem-creating. Or worse yet, attacking my self-esteem. I don’t know why; all I know is this is the first time in a long time I feel so unworthy, so… invisible. So disconnected.

And because those damn birds have eaten all my bread crumbs, I’m not sure yet how I’m going to find my way back.

Hibernation

I had a low blood sugar reaction yesterday – I have them every so often, especially when I don’t stop working in order to eat food – but this one is worth mentioning because it happened during the daytime, so the impact on my activities was more noticeable (usually they happen at night, around 3 o’clock in the morning). Diabetes is a funny disease.. it’s like riding a unicycle on a wire, a thousand feet in the air underneath the big top – you have to balance things “just so” or you plummet to your death. Okay, maybe not plummet, per se. But as far as dying goes, there are all sorts of bad things you have to deal with along the way – going blind, amputation, kidney failure – you get the picture. This is why my recent ‘working-out-and-taking-care-of-myself’ thing is doubly-significant.

Way back when the Bunny and I were first dating, we were in Mexico – he and our friends Jon & Janet were participating in the Rosarita Century (100-mile bicycle ride, for the uninformed). That was the first time I had met Jon & Janet, in fact… and I remember us getting ready to go have dinner, so I – figuring we’d be eating food shortly – took my shot of insulin before we left the hotel we were staying at, and took off walking down the main drag. And walking. And walking. And walking. I think we ended up walking for like an hour, and finally we ducked into a restaurant. By the time we were sitting at our table, my blood sugar had dropped really, really low. First I start feeling clammy, I get pale, my hands start shaking… but the way I know I am in serious trouble is when my brain shuts off. I have no other way to describe it – usually my thoughts move constantly, at light speed, but during a low blood sugar reaction everything comes to a screeching halt. I can’t talk coherently, I’m staring at the people I am with trying to figure out who they are, I burst into tears. As it’s been told to me, it is pretty frightening to witness.

If I remember this tale correctly, the Bunny raced over to the bar to get me some orange juice (we’d been together long enough that he knew what to do in these instances). Remember, Jon and Janet hadn’t met me before, so they were speechless… what a first impression! That’s me… unforgettable. Lolll.

Over time, the Bunny got really good about knowing when my blood sugar was low. Sometimes even before I knew it. I wonder what tipped him off… maybe I wasn’t processing and communicating the way I normally do, and externally that’s the biggest indication something is not right internally. I never had to worry that I wouldn’t wake up, if I had a low blood sugar reaction in the middle of the night. Not with the Bunny right there next to me. He was truly “my Protector” in more ways than one.

Sometimes my morbid side comes out and I imagine what would happen if I had a low blood sugar reaction and didn’t do anything about it… I know if anyone who knows me is reading this right now they might be alarmed at what I just wrote – but I made a pact with myself years ago that I would never intentionally hurt myself like that (a long story, best kept for another time). But I still wonder. Would anyone miss me? Would anyone care? Did I really impact the people in my life the best way possible? When I got to heaven or hell or wherever I am destined to go, would I be aware of anything? I think I would want to know if I made anyone’s life better, because all I can be sure of is the people in my life have definitely improved mine.

Today is Monday. In exactly one week, I will get to the year anniversary of the Bunny’s accident. The accident that took the life of his good friend Louie. The accident that altered the course of many lives – not just his and Louie’s; not just mine. I think about my life now, and I hope those other people are hanging in there. I hope they are doing okay. I hope they have a nice balance of joy mixed in with the sorrow. Balanced… just like my blood sugars aspire to be. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort, but you know, the payoff is always worth it. Peace.

Saying What You Mean

This post started out much differently; I was actually writing about something completely different and then realized, “This is not what I want to say right now,” – so I decided to toss it out and start again. You can do that on a blog… so much different than the real world. In the real world, you don’t get to “toss it out and start again.” Which can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on the circumstances at that particular moment.

I’m a little stuck right now, emotionally speaking. Fortunately or unfortunately, it doesn’t have anything to do with the Bunny – even more amazing what with being this close to the yearly anniversaries. By the calendar, exactly fifteen days from now marks the year anniversary of his accident. I’m still not sure how I am going to feel when that day arrives. Sometimes, what with the "busy"-ness of my life, I get a little anxious, thinking that I will forget. But then I stop and think: aren’t I supposed to forget? No, that can’t be right… I’m not sure how I am supposed to feel, what I am supposed to think. Sorrow that my husband is dead. Relief that it’s finally been a year. It’s all very confusing.

I was leaving my house the other day and in doing so crossed paths with one of my neighbors. We said our hellos and “have a nice days” and she mentioned remarking to her husband recently upon seeing me on my way somewhere, “Why is she so happy all the time?” That made me stop and think: Why AM I happy all the time? And I decided, I love being alive. I love the people in my life. I love having my home (a.k.a. my “sanctuary”). I love my freedom, and I love doing things that I, well… love. Like writing, and singing, and helping people understand life insurance. I am getting my degree (less than a year to go before I graduate) – I really love learning – and I am trying to take care of my body and health. Okay, I don’t love exercising all that much, I will admit, but I was just last week telling the doctor how amazed I was at the difference all this working out has been making on my blood sugars – they’ve almost been normal. Other than the insulin injections, I can almost forget I am a diabetic.

So… stuck. Still hung up in places in my heart that I would have expected to be freed up by now. But as I said before, I don’t call the shots there. It’s not as bad as you might imagine. I mean, my future is so nebulous, so vague, so.. “I don’t know what the fuck is going to happen, so why worry?” Which means that in the meantime, here in this moment, I am feeling pretty good. No expectations, just… living. Breathing. Being happy. I figure I am doing well, all things considered.

Whenever I start to get a little agitated, a little stir crazy, I remember that given enough time, things do evolve. Here it is, almost a year after the Bunny’s accident, and my life is very different than it was then. Each day passes, then you kind of look at everything going on and you say, “Wow!? Where did all these things come from?” That’s when it’s better to just keep pushing forward, instead of stopping and thinking. Trudging along that road, maybe not knowing where it ends up, but knowing it DOES end. And if you keep putting one foot in front of the other, eventually you will get there. It is this thought that keeps me sane right now. Things will evolve. My heart needs to feel love right now even if it’s only a fantasy, only in my mind. It’s like pure oxygen in the tank. If you are healthy, that pure oxygen will burn your lungs. But if your body is in enough distress, that pure oxygen will keep you alive.

I have to be careful I don’t get involved with someone just to get past some of these other feelings. Part of it is my fear of there being nobody in this world who will truly accept me as I am – not try to change me. I remember that my husband loved me like this… but I also remember he was an unusual combination of characteristics and quirks. It’s like winning the lottery. Or being struck by lightning. What’s the chances of it happening twice in my lifetime? I try not to think about it. Just breathe. Be happy. Live.

Things DO evolve.