Have A Little Faith In Me

I have three big, green, leafy plants which were given to me at the Bunny’s services back in December; since then I would haul them out to the backyard for a little sun and water, then haul them back in – one sits on the counter separating the kitchen and the living room, and the other two are in opposite corners of the living room. I’ve never been really good at taking care of plants – especially live ones that require regular maintenance – but I exceeded my expectations with these, since it’s been roughly six months now and they are only JUST beginning to look crunchy.

On my way from the living room to the kitchen I passed that one plant on the counter… I noticed one of its leaves on the floor; that made me remember I noticed another leaf on the floor about a week ago. My life has begun to evolve; I’m starting to get busier with work, making progress on my never-ending to-do list, activities are cropping up into the hours… those immediately following my husband’s death that, until recently, were pretty empty. I definitely feel “in transition” – not quite sure what my new life will look like when I’ve completed my metamorphosis (kind of like putting a puzzle together without looking at the picture on the box) – but I will know the process is finished when I get there. I will feel like the transition phase is ended.

I’m not one who gives up her heart easily. More to the point, I’m not often in the position where I find myself “really attracted” to anyone. If I am counting on both hands, thinking back to previous boyfriends (my kid’s father and the Bunny included) I run out of names before I run out of fingers. So you can imagine my surprise when by some strange twist of fate I found myself cross paths with a guy that I really, REALLY like. A lot. More than a lot. Completely terrifying. Mystifying. Incomprehensible. What the HELL is wrong with me!?!!? My husband – who I loved and adored more than life itself, mind you – just frigging DIED six months ago. What kind of awful person must I be?

See, here’s the rub. I’ve told this story many times, and it was part of the eulogy at the Bunny’s services: When the Bunny and I first crossed paths nine or so years ago, I was about as miserable a wretch as you could find. I hated my life, I hated myself, I hated MEN (just coming out of a divorce not too much time prior to that)… the last thing I needed/wanted/was looking for was to let some guy into my life.

But the Bunny, he was a stubborn one. I remember that despite the fact I was attracted to him (a feeling I have since come to identify more clearly when it presents itself), I insisted we weren’t going to be dating. His response to me: “Until you tell me to go away… I’m not going anywhere.” By the grace of God, I never told him to go away. Looking back, that was truly a life-changing moment for me. I had nothing but negative experiences to draw upon, but my gut told me to chill, to see what happened, to play it by ear. To “go with it.”

Back to present day: So, when we last left our heroine, she was in a state of shock over these attraction feelings for this anonymous new guy. WTF??!!! Okay, moving on… but what I came to realize is that while I never would have thought that I would have the feelings I’m having, I’m not the same person I used to be. In the space of a mere five years under the care and feeding of the Bunny, I blossomed into this unique creature; unlike any other person on earth – given enough space, protection, and love to be the best person I was capable of becoming. That was the Bunny’s greatest gift to me… one I didn’t fully comprehend until he was gone.

I believe people come into our lives for very specific reasons: to challenge and inspire us, to affect and influence us, to push us in directions they may not be aware of, we may not be aware of – but your faith in higher powers in the universe tells you, tells your gut, that everything unfolds in your life exactly the way it is meant to. I have no idea what this guy in my path is here to teach me… but I’m willing to chill, see what happens, play it by ear. And maybe, just maybe… I will exceed my own expectations.