Everybody Needs A Weekend Retreat

I just wrapped up a weekend visiting my friends Ellen and Jeff in Ojai. For those of you who don't know where Ojai is, it's up past Ventura, 20 miles or so east of the 101 freeway. Famous people live there, like Ted Danson and Reese Witherspoon. It's a "small town" kind of place, green and "homey"-looking, where they pave their roads to go around oak trees (they don't cut down oaks in Ojai, so you might be driving along and all of a sudden there's this huge oak tree right in the middle of the street, which you must then drive around to get by). It's a cool place to spend a weekend; about two to three hours by car, which gives me a chance to listen to the CDs I've picked up recently but haven't had the chance to really listen to.

Ojai's kind of growing on me. I've been there a handful of times - a couple times with the Bunny - and with every visit it feels more familiar; I feel more connected, for lack of a better word. Ellen and Jeff have hinted that I should move there - especially at this stage of my life, suddenly single and my kid almost grown enough to be on his own - but the excuse I usually give is "all the things I'm involved in" are near where I currently live. But this seed was planted a while ago, and it's had a chance to sprout. I found my mind wandering on my drive home tonight; thinking of the life I had, the plans I had, and also of that big, scary cliff waiting for me to jump off (remember that one? It was a few posts back). I realized that although I wasn't really aware of it, my subconscious had silently been working to disengage my mental hold on the original game plan - the one that no longer applied now that the players had changed. The revelation was exciting and frightening at the same time.

I can literally do anything I want now. What the hell do I want to do with my life? Sure, with the Bunny around, I had it all figured out. Sure, with the Bunny gone, I was annoyed and frustrated that I spent the whole first part of my life getting things all figured out and setting it up perfectly, and here I am again, back at square one. How frigging unfair is that!???! And then my little voice whispers to me, yea, and who ever said life was fair? SHUT UP!... but you know, as trite as that saying is... it's absolutely true. And my life is not immune.

So now, it's up to me. What I get to do with the rest of my life is completely up to me and nobody else. What a crazy idea! But if that's one thing I'm really good at, it's ideas. "Creative brainstorming" - something I've been practicing and perfecting and am now going to use specifically for my own personal benefit. Will I make mistakes, sure - nobody's perfect. But I won't have regrets. I won't look back and see a girl who had lots of unrealized potential, who couldn't acheive anything because she was emotionally devastated by the loss of her husband. She lost him, yes. But she owes him, too. He made it safe for her to be who she was, and he made her strong enough to keep on that path even going it alone.

I still cry about it; the fact that the Bunny isn't here - I miss him. But tomorrow is another day, and I've got a lot of new ideas...