Photograph Eve

Tomorrow is photograph day – the one I first mentioned back in my July 14th post. I went back and had to reread what I had written, to remind myself of the purpose of this project, because today, “Photograph Eve,” I realized I was feeling pretty agitated. I’ve been on edge since I got up this morning, and as the day has worn on, I have felt nauseous deep in the pit of my stomach… the feeling getting stronger and stronger with each passing hour.

I’ve been practicing my “sad look” – which of course requires that I fill my mind with the Bunny – and I have been mentally telling myself that once this project is completed, I cannot afford to spend any more long stretches of time pitying myself, wishing for things that just cannot be, or feeling ripped off by life. Yes, as positive as I try to be, I still feel those things. Once the sad look is captured in the photograph, I can stop carrying it around with me.

Things are still changing. Last week my cousin Lisa was visiting from Chicago, and spent part of the week at my house. She is in the part of my family that I am really close to, and as many friends and acquaintances as I have gathered in my life, there IS something about family that makes them special – something I can’t put my finger on. Maybe it is because all the barriers we put up to protect us from our everyday interactions with people just cease to exist with family. It’s quite an anomaly. Of course we spent some time talking about the Bunny and last December. My cousin wasn’t able to make it out at the time, but in hindsight it was a lot more enjoyable for me to have her here now, eight months later, when my life isn’t completely overwhelmed with emotional challenges. Don’t get me wrong, I still have a bunch of those! But not quite as many to deal with as back then – or maybe I’m just stronger to better handle them now? Hmmm.

After my shower, I was in my son’s bathroom drying my hair (the light is better in his bathroom than in mine), and my sad look ended with me bursting into tears. It’s not a long drawn-out thing; it's like I'm being skewered with a long sword, rather than suffocating slowly in a gas chamber. Intense, then nothing. I think that’s me doing that; I used to be great at shutting down my feelings, and I guess some things you never forget how to do, like riding a bicycle.

I imagine that this is what it would have been like had I known, that Saturday night before the Bunny’s accident, that my happy life with the Bunny would be finished. Looking back, I think the knowledge would have ruined my happiness. I often talk about that Saturday being the “happiest day of my life” – I had just gotten laid off from a job I hated, I was going to be able to work independently on things I enjoyed, I had my wonderful husband who adored me – I’m thankful for that Saturday, because it gives me a benchmark – a goal to work towards as life moves forward.

Tomorrow is the Bunny’s day. One of the last that we will spend “together.” I’ve got one more of these days left – the next one not till later in June of next year. I expect that one to be even tougher. But I also know I have all of my loved ones – friends and family – to get me through it.