Flying Blind

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately, what with trying the internet matching and trying to put myself in the “dating” mindset – the mindset of a single, reasonably attractive woman in today’s world. It’s difficult for me, because I am unfamiliar with the social customs and traditions of dating; the “rules” that guide people’s behavior in those situations. I am used to two modes: alone, or in a serious intimate relationship – zero to sixty in 2.4 seconds. I am not one of those girls who really understands what it means to “casually date” or even date several people at once. I’m not sure I even want to learn how to do those things. But this is a whole new world, and nothing is off the table yet…

I’ve said many times that I was really lucky to have found the Bunny. REALLY lucky. I wasn’t looking for him – he found me, and he made me so happy – I loved being married to him. I wouldn’t have called us similar – we liked lots of different things, but I think they were complementary things. I think the most important thing was that we shared the same perspective of the world, our world… we fought fair (without getting “ugly” as I have seen some couples do), we agreed to disagree, and there wasn’t any problem we couldn’t work through with communication. This last point was very important, because when we first got together, my modus operandi in an argument was to shut down and say nothing. This response was carried over from my childhood – my mom would be screaming her head off, and I would just mentally shut down to escape it. Cut off my emotions so I wouldn’t have to feel it. So nothing could hurt me. This is what the Bunny inherited – one of the many challenges in being intimately involved with me, I guess.

Back in one of my earlier posts, I was talking about this guy I met that I really liked – the first since the death of my husband – yea, that didn’t work out. My heart, as usual, held on a lot longer than it should… There were many clear signals that there was absolutely no chance for a relationship, but in these situations, my heart dictates the pace of acceptance of reality. So… it happened again. Another guy – completely monopolizing my thoughts. Makes me happy on various levels when I’m around him. But it’s the same thing as before: many clear signals that there is absolutely no chance for a relationship (he’s already married). But my heart isn’t ready to let go – what a masochist!

I try to keep this on the down low for the most part, because while I am perfectly comfortable with torturing myself, I would not purposely want to worry the people in my life that care about me – and knowing I was all emotionally hung up on some married guy would definitely worry them. But I refuse to hold anyone accountable for feelings – myself included. My belief is that feelings cannot be controlled; like the tides of the ocean. Like the sunrise. Like the pull of gravity.

What I am accountable for are my actions. Where lots of people go wrong is that they allow their feelings to justify doing things that they know are wrong. I could be sitting here, thinking: I’m really attracted to this guy. I DESERVE him. So what that he’s married? Why should that stop me? And you know what? It does. And it’s not about what I deserve or don’t deserve. If I believe that the reason I am who I am is because I am a product of all the relationships in my life, I have to apply the same logic outside of myself – this guy’s relationship with his wife is one of the things that makes this guy who he is, too. Having been married a few times already, that is THE relationship out of the many in one’s life that completely dominates your perspective. I know this, based on the size of the hole that the Bunny left me with.

I get emails daily from the internet matching site – I sign in, I read the profiles of men the site has decided are “compatible” to me. A lot of them like to cook. Clean their homes. Take care of children. At least a lot of them also like music… that’s the only common interest that doesn’t make me want to vomit. Most of the time I’m laughing my ass off, because I’m not looking to date myself in male form. I still don’t have high hopes for the whole internet matching thing.

But take heart, all you lonely people out there: the best things in life come to you when you aren’t looking for them. And I’m guessing a few of them are going to come my way sooner or later, too. Peace.