Playing With Matches

Recently I decided that I was spending too much time holed up in my house – easy to do when you consider that I work from home, attend online school, and do most of my social interacting via Face Book. I like Face Book for just that reason; it allows my friends to hear about the goings-on in my life without me having to physically go anywhere or talk to anyone. Not to say that I actively avoid physically going anywhere, I just prefer that someone calls me up and invites me out to do some activity or other – I typically won’t initiate those excursions myself.

So, via a message I posted recently to my friends that I would be “open” to having one of them – who knows me well enough to be familiar with my particular idiosyncrasies and preferences, mind you – set me up on a blind date, I got a slew of responses, one of which included a suggestion for internet dating. At first blush I discarded the idea, but then in a face-to-face conversation with another friend shortly after my post, she also gave me the benefit of her own – and others' she had heard about – experiences in the arena of internet dating. Needless to say, I was motivated enough to go onto one of these relationship matching sites and create a profile.

From the get-go, I already have a negative perception, even before anything concrete has happened. My reasons for the negatively stem from my unfamiliarity about the expectations of the other people on the site who are “seeking a relationship” and my belief that true relating involves body language (which is impossible in a virtual environment). I also noticed – after supplying an overwhelming amount information about my preferences for a mate – that I wasn’t even sure I was qualified to be answering these questions! Truly, what do I know about picking the right person? If it’s anything like my ability to pick out a good outfit, I am in serious trouble!

Beyond all of my fears and insecurities, I was able to complete my profile. Then began the matching… eeeeeek. I don’t know if it’s just me, but it is a little intimidating to get emails that say “Meet Brad: Someone compatible with who you are on the inside” or “Find out if your new match Ken is who you’ve been looking for” – who I’ve been looking for? How odd it is, because in my head I am “not looking for someone” – I just want to get out of my house a little bit more! Why does this feel so convoluted already? The other unnerving thing is the sheer number of matches that come through. It’s been a day and a half, and already I have 18 people matched up with me, based on similarities in my profile or whatever that other person is looking for. In the real (i.e. physical) world, meeting new people happens at a much slower pace… easier for me to process emotionally. Through the relationship matching site, I feel like I am in a big auditorium, or standing in the middle of a football field, with a big, flashing neon sign over my head that says “HEY! Come ask me out, I’m single!” It kind of strips away all the fate, chance, universe, and leaves me feeling a bit cold, lonely, and desperate.

I think back to the Bunny. When our paths crossed, I was as far away from “looking for someone” as I think a person can get. What is bound to happen to my chances if I tie myself to the train tracks? How could the universe possibly send me the person I am supposed to find, if I am trying to exert too much control over the variables of that meeting? Besides, compatibility is all well and good, but the true test is my gut. Attraction is felt inside (for me, specifically), after a handful of times of interacting in the world. If I get matched up with 18 people every two days, and let’s just say it takes two dates for me to know if that elusive ingredient is there… that’s about 540 dates in a month. I’m already exhausted, just picturing it!

I went into my profile this morning and changed my preferences to “don’t send me any more matches until I ask for them.” Maybe I’m not ready… but my fear is that I will become so comfortable with being by myself all of the time, holed up in my house, that as time passes it’s going to more and more difficult to break out of the habit. A little discomfort now – before I become too set in my ways – is probably good for me. Then I think: I’ve put it out into the universe. The universe knows where my head is at, and should it choose to help me in my endeavors, the universe will certainly make it known to me. So I think I will not worry too much about all of this stuff now, and just have a little faith that everything will work out as it should.

Those matches – one of them DID send me what’s called an “icebreaker” message. I sent back a reply – and I’m sure the guy ran for the hills! – but who knows, maybe I’ll get another message from him yet. I’ll deal with those possibilities when I get there. But one interesting thing I did notice: he had something in his profile which was exactly something I thought about putting in my own – but didn’t. Something a bit out of the box, something that to reveal to strangers had to be a bit risky, a bit “out of the box”… interesting. And so, I am left here with a bit of hope that however things turn out, I will NOT spend the rest of my life alone, holed up in my house.

Nor do I have to burn the house down.