Back And Forth

It’s been a rough couple of days; I found myself feeling overwhelmed, mentally revisiting life from a year ago… Following the weekend celebration of the Bunny’s birthday in Las Vegas, a month and a few days later I would be standing next to his hospital bed in the ICU – not realizing yet that he was already gone, despite physically being there with beeping machines to insist otherwise.

I think back to last year, and I don’t remember crying much. I was busy being “strong” – validating the perception that most people have of me – but I wonder if “numb” is a more accurate description. When things are happening (like someone you love is dying), there are always a lot of to-do’s to get done. Now, to-do’s… that’s something I really know how to handle. In a strange way it was comforting to have so many, because ‘getting things done’ is so familiar, so…. safe. It’s a very linear process. You start at the top of the list, and slowly, methodically, you cross things off as they are completed. Very structured and organized. Very much a part of my personality.

But having a year between me and those events, with most of those to-do’s put to bed, there isn’t much in the way of my emotions now running rampant. Or, those emotions have finally caught up to my brain (remember, my heart goes at its own pace in these matters). Now, as my mind replays last year’s events, my heart is the sitting on the couch; the only viewer. And the longer these images flash on the screen, the longer the tremors ripple deep inside that cause my tears to erupt from the surface.

I know enough to seek out my friends right now. Those people in my life that I have a special connection with; that most especially ‘get’ me. They are elite from the respect that I know they will let me be, and not try to ‘fix’ me, or act as if I am being over-indulgent, and why don’t I just “get over it already.” As much as I feel the pain of losing my husband, I really don’t think I could survive it without my friends. They are truly what makes me strong – kind of like Sampson and his hair.

So these last few days… I have been a breath away from tears. Not the silent, streaming down your face one at a time kind of tears, but the “perfectly okay one minute, and bursting out sobbing the next” type – which probably would scare most passerby, small children and cute, fuzzy woodland creatures. I am reminded of a geyser – call me “Old Faithful.” I make a plan to meet one of my friends, and I’ve no sooner stepped out of the car when I start crying. Hard. This is the scene I’ve been playing out over and over this week.

I’ve read that grief is anything but linear. It’s like the numbers in the stock market – any event in the world at any given time will act upon those numbers, causing them to shoot straight up to sky or drop like a stone in a well. That’s grief. It is so “out of my control.” It is so unstructured, unorganized. I’ve read about it… but now I know firsthand what those people are talking about. I know what it FEELS like… I have the benefit of real-world application of some academic, conceptual idea. And having this knowledge makes me different. It makes me better able to meaningfully connect with other people. Experiences like this tend to isolate us from each other, and I am a bridge – just like my friends are my bridge, making me feel I am still a part of this world.

I think my numbers are on their way back up. I don’t feel like those “overwhelmed” feelings are quite so near the surface as much, now that I’ve let off some of the pressure. I’ve also been schooling for a new church choir to sing regularly with – I haven’t been singing much lately, and clearly not doing so has had a significant negative impact on my emotional well-being (singing is another one of my bridges).

I find that when I am receptive to it, there are always little things here and there to be hopeful for. It helps to start somewhere, so I can work up to those bigger things, like love and happiness.

Slowly, methodically… guess I should start at the top of the list.