Recently I have found myself inspired to pay a bit more attention to taking care of myself in the physical sense. Not to say I’ve been sitting around on the couch eating bon-bons for the past few months, mind you; but taking care of myself from the perspective of trying to maintain a more consistent mealtime schedule, incorporate regular exercise back into my weekly routine – the kinds of things that are hopefully going to have some positive impact on my blood sugar control. I am scheduled to visit my endocrinologist Dr. Tran at the end of this week, and in reviewing the numbers since my last appointment six weeks ago I am guessing she isn’t going to like seeing all of the lows I’ve been having. Okay, okay! My newfound inspiration has come to me in the form of a new guy in my sphere of existence. He’s a bit of a dichotomy – we haven’t really interacted all that much, yet I feel very emotionally connected to him. It’s a strange feeling, different than what I remember; but then again, I feel like I’m a different person than before. So I’m trying hard not to overanalyze things, which coincidentally is exactly what my boss advised me not to do… as I concurrently embark on yet another new income venture.
So! Back to my health. This past weekend I had a very informative conversation with a woman by the name of Esther who is a nurse specializing in colon hydrotherapy. Another one of my friends has been talking to me about this particular treatment for awhile now; if you can get past the details of it (and I’m not going to spell it out for you here – even I have my limits – this one’s good for Googling), colon hydrotherapy is rumored to have significant impact on a) how your body processes the food you consume and b) how you feel in terms of energy level, overall well-being, etc. Again, I fall back on my “try most things at least once” ideology. And given that I’ve pretty much felt like crap for awhile now (no pun intended), combined with the fact that my friend absolutely believes I’ll feel better when it’s all said and done, I figure I’ll give it a shot and form my own opinion on the matter using an actual real life experience.
It was during this conversation that the whole insulin-dependent diabetes thing came up. I mentioned how much insulin I take, how long I’ve taken it, and some of the particular challenges I face in the ongoing management of my blood sugars – like skipping meals. Just a few weeks ago I was on the phone with Christopher – now stationed in Okinawa, Japan – and had one of my worst low blood sugar episodes to date: I took my shot of insulin and then never got around to eating any food. I was driving home while I had him on the phone with me, so the good part of this story is that I did make it inside my house in one piece… but I was a complete mess otherwise. I did have enough sense to test my blood sugar while he was on the phone with me ; it was 36 (36!!?! WTF!!) and even though I insisted I was going to eat some food after I hung up with him (which I did), he was sufficiently freaked out enough to call his friend Bryson’s dad and aunt who live two blocks away from me AND his own dad who lives a few cities over… so in a very short period of time I had three people pounding on my front door ready to call 911 if I didn't answer quick enough. I think at the time I was in the middle of eating my third banana so I was starting to get back to normal… but I realized how that episode might have really scared my son. I felt guilty until I did actually get to talk to him again later on in the week (in Okinawa, he’s 16 hours ahead of me). Not that I plan to ever let THAT happen again; but I did tell him what to do if he’s ever on the phone with me and I start acting “funny” (the alternating between laughing and crying is a clear sign) – I told him in that circumstance, he needs to be the “drill sergeant” and I am the poolie. Orders, not questions. When my blood sugar is that low, my brain isn’t working well enough to process questions. I need to be told what to do, not asked what I need.
So Esther introduced me to this company by the name of StemTech. The company itself was founded in 2005, so yes, relatively young; but what’s preceded that date is tons and tons of research, mostly by a botanical researcher and neurophysiologist by the name of Christian Drapeau. Christian took up the challenge of trying to figure out the benefits of a natural growing freshwater plant known as Aphanizomenon flos-aquae, or AFA, on human health. An aside: The idea that AFA was in some way beneficial for the human body was established by a school teacher back in the ‘70s. A school teacher! Of COURSE. Anyway, so fast-forward though the timeline of discoveries (you can do your own research on the company website), and it turns out that what StemTech did was to develop a supplement that helps one’s body to access its own adult stem cells. If you have been paying attention to the news, stem cells are those things that can facilitate amazing things – regenerative, curative things – in one’s body; you hear about people trying to extract them from their bone marrow to freeze for some later use; for example they have a kidney fail and need to grow a replacement. Esther was telling me that scientists can even do things like re-grow teeth using stem cells. It really is quite amazing when you start learning about it.
So, based on what Esther was sharing with me, and in describing what her own personal experiences have been with these supplements – both from taking them herself and others that have taken them – I was convinced to try it for awhile and determine for myself if there was any positive benefit that I noticed. Now, I am as big a skeptic as there ever was; I don’t believe in miracle cures for anything. I am too much of a realist for that. However, the potential is that my body might better utilize the insulin I do have to inject into it which might mean that I would need to inject less. Which in turn would constitute an improvement in my overall quality of life. Hell, I might even live a few years longer, who knows?
Because of my recent career changes, I decided that once I get my regular paycheck back, I’m going to start with the supplements. And get my housecleaner and DirecTv back. I’ll give it a year. Then I will reevaluate. Since Dr. Tran is lobbying hard to get me on an insulin pump (something I’ve resisted for various reasons), I figure this is going to be the last opportunity I have to change my fate. Once I start on the pump, I doubt if I’ll ever be able to get back off of it. Not that there’s anything inherently bad with an insulin pump – from my understanding of the technology of it, it would probably better manage my highs and lows – but I just don’t want to do it. I’m too young. It’s not fair. Or maybe I'm just holding onto the unrealistic hope that somehow, some way, I’ll be able to do something to change my condition so I’m not such a “sick person” – I mean, I’m a pain in the ass enough as it is. I need to try to decrease the baggage I ask other people to accept from me, not ADD to it. Sheesh!
It doesn’t escape my notice that in two days is the 3rd anniversary of the “last happiest day of my life.” And then begins the three week countdown to the Bunny’s death, aka Pearl Harbor day. Like Adele croons in her song Somebody Like You “who would have known how bittersweet this would taste” – although I realize, a bit surprisingly, that this time of year doesn’t cause me as much pain as it used to. It’s a strange feeling, different than what I remember; but then again, I feel like I’m a different person than before.
Peace.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
Dog Philosophy
It's getting to be that time of year again (the holidays) - this one came off a marble plaque from my Signals catalog.
BARK
as if no one can hear you
CATCH
the ball on the fly
LICK
like there's no end to kissing
SLEEP
on a sofa nearby
JUMP
like the sky is the limit
SIT
by the fire with friends
STAY
with the ones who love you
RUN
like the road never ends
Peace out, my fellow humans.
BARK
as if no one can hear you
CATCH
the ball on the fly
LICK
like there's no end to kissing
SLEEP
on a sofa nearby
JUMP
like the sky is the limit
SIT
by the fire with friends
STAY
with the ones who love you
RUN
like the road never ends
Peace out, my fellow humans.
Monday, October 24, 2011
The Meaning Of Life
Today will go down in history as a pivotal, life-changing day in the history of my existence here on earth.
No, in case you are wondering, I did NOT win millions in the lottery. I didn’t meet the man of my dreams. I didn’t even have my ‘car washed’ due to a chance rainfall. But something truly significant occurred today despite all of that: All of the effort, the struggles, the trials and tribulations of losing my husband and losing my best friend, the frustration of the subsequent aftermath of those particular events, the bittersweet moments of having my only son join the military and be shipped off to Okinawa, Japan, watching my income dwindle down without anything concrete to replace it – I finally, finally felt a subtle shift in the Universe; in terms of my presence in the grand scheme of things.
I know plenty of people are like me; you work and you work and you work and you do that for such a long time that you start to feel like you can never get ahead. Things happen (spouses die and people you care about intentionally or unintentionally break your heart, for example) and you, against your own wishes or preferences, start to feel like a victim. Then, the depression and self-loathing sets in. And one day, you raise your eyes to the heavens and you shake your fist and scream at the top of your lungs, “WHY is this happening to me?!? What did I do to deserve this??” And you just want to die, literally die right there on the spot: Just let a truck come run you over, or lightening to strike you, or drop dead of a sudden heart attack. Because anything is better than this torture, right?
And here’s what I discovered, on this very meaningful day in my life: Things don’t happen to you to change your life. YOU change your life. And yes, shit happens – it happens to the best of us, it happens to the people that you pass by on the street, that you see every week at church, that you work next to side by side in the office – people whose kids are doing drugs, or whose spouses are cheating on them, or beating them, or who just got laid off after 28 years on the job, or at the tender age of 23 have a rare disease that is causing them to lose their sight, or whose best friend just killed himself because he couldn’t see a way out; a way through. And sometimes, even though it seems like everything you touch turns to crap, you keep on trying. You keep struggling. You keep crying, and raising your eyes to the heavens, and shaking your fist and screaming at the top of your lungs. What you don’t do is give up. You. Never. Give. Up.
I think about my entire life; all of the experiences I’ve had – from my dysfunctional childhood to my high school years with overly strict parents through my first marriage followed by the years as a single mother – and I’ve often thought that as I am contemplating how much easier my life might have been had this or that not happened, the person I am today is a product of all of those things. The bad and the good. Then I had my time with the Bunny; my “reward” for surviving all of the previous life trauma, because I never gave up (yes, I’ll admit that I came pretty close on a few occasions). And then I found myself alone again. Did I do something wrong? Was I being punished?
And I realized, those are the wrong questions to be asking. What I should be asking is this: what did I learn from this? Who in my life did I affect in a positive way – in such a way that is unique to my ability? Because if you ever start trying to convince yourself that you are worthless and that the world would be better off without you, just stop for a second and think about all of those people affected by your life. First and foremost, I always think of Christopher. Not just the fact that I gave birth to him, that’s a given. He’s come to me time after time, asking his own questions; I’ve shared my perspective, given him advice, given him love – I am irreplaceable in his eyes. He will only ever have one mom. And I was lucky enough to get that job.
It’s the holidays, so naturally at this time of year I think more introspectively about the Bunny and Liz. This past weekend I took two girlfriends to this little Irish tea house that Liz introduced me to. Bren and Monica had never experienced “tea” before… it was a novel, new experience for them, and during our conversation I shared that it was Liz that had introduced me to tea there for the first time. Here I am, over a year after Liz’s death, and she is still affecting not just my life, but the lives of others in a positive way.
That’s what I want to do, to be. And in fighting for that goal – despite every curve ball that life throws out at me – I make my place in this world. The one I feel I belong in, where I am secure, where I am comfortable, where I am strong.
I read a quote recently which kind of stuck with me. I don’t remember exactly the wording and I don’t remember who originally said it, but the jist of it is this:
“The story turns out any particular way based on where you choose to end it.”
In other words, when looking back over the landscape of one’s life, it will either end good or bad depending on where it literally ends.
Today, I think I could actually drop dead and be the happiest I’ve ever been, ever. Not because I won millions in the lottery, or met the man of my dreams. But because I didn’t give up.
And my story’s not over yet.
No, in case you are wondering, I did NOT win millions in the lottery. I didn’t meet the man of my dreams. I didn’t even have my ‘car washed’ due to a chance rainfall. But something truly significant occurred today despite all of that: All of the effort, the struggles, the trials and tribulations of losing my husband and losing my best friend, the frustration of the subsequent aftermath of those particular events, the bittersweet moments of having my only son join the military and be shipped off to Okinawa, Japan, watching my income dwindle down without anything concrete to replace it – I finally, finally felt a subtle shift in the Universe; in terms of my presence in the grand scheme of things.
I know plenty of people are like me; you work and you work and you work and you do that for such a long time that you start to feel like you can never get ahead. Things happen (spouses die and people you care about intentionally or unintentionally break your heart, for example) and you, against your own wishes or preferences, start to feel like a victim. Then, the depression and self-loathing sets in. And one day, you raise your eyes to the heavens and you shake your fist and scream at the top of your lungs, “WHY is this happening to me?!? What did I do to deserve this??” And you just want to die, literally die right there on the spot: Just let a truck come run you over, or lightening to strike you, or drop dead of a sudden heart attack. Because anything is better than this torture, right?
And here’s what I discovered, on this very meaningful day in my life: Things don’t happen to you to change your life. YOU change your life. And yes, shit happens – it happens to the best of us, it happens to the people that you pass by on the street, that you see every week at church, that you work next to side by side in the office – people whose kids are doing drugs, or whose spouses are cheating on them, or beating them, or who just got laid off after 28 years on the job, or at the tender age of 23 have a rare disease that is causing them to lose their sight, or whose best friend just killed himself because he couldn’t see a way out; a way through. And sometimes, even though it seems like everything you touch turns to crap, you keep on trying. You keep struggling. You keep crying, and raising your eyes to the heavens, and shaking your fist and screaming at the top of your lungs. What you don’t do is give up. You. Never. Give. Up.
I think about my entire life; all of the experiences I’ve had – from my dysfunctional childhood to my high school years with overly strict parents through my first marriage followed by the years as a single mother – and I’ve often thought that as I am contemplating how much easier my life might have been had this or that not happened, the person I am today is a product of all of those things. The bad and the good. Then I had my time with the Bunny; my “reward” for surviving all of the previous life trauma, because I never gave up (yes, I’ll admit that I came pretty close on a few occasions). And then I found myself alone again. Did I do something wrong? Was I being punished?
And I realized, those are the wrong questions to be asking. What I should be asking is this: what did I learn from this? Who in my life did I affect in a positive way – in such a way that is unique to my ability? Because if you ever start trying to convince yourself that you are worthless and that the world would be better off without you, just stop for a second and think about all of those people affected by your life. First and foremost, I always think of Christopher. Not just the fact that I gave birth to him, that’s a given. He’s come to me time after time, asking his own questions; I’ve shared my perspective, given him advice, given him love – I am irreplaceable in his eyes. He will only ever have one mom. And I was lucky enough to get that job.
It’s the holidays, so naturally at this time of year I think more introspectively about the Bunny and Liz. This past weekend I took two girlfriends to this little Irish tea house that Liz introduced me to. Bren and Monica had never experienced “tea” before… it was a novel, new experience for them, and during our conversation I shared that it was Liz that had introduced me to tea there for the first time. Here I am, over a year after Liz’s death, and she is still affecting not just my life, but the lives of others in a positive way.
That’s what I want to do, to be. And in fighting for that goal – despite every curve ball that life throws out at me – I make my place in this world. The one I feel I belong in, where I am secure, where I am comfortable, where I am strong.
I read a quote recently which kind of stuck with me. I don’t remember exactly the wording and I don’t remember who originally said it, but the jist of it is this:
“The story turns out any particular way based on where you choose to end it.”
In other words, when looking back over the landscape of one’s life, it will either end good or bad depending on where it literally ends.
Today, I think I could actually drop dead and be the happiest I’ve ever been, ever. Not because I won millions in the lottery, or met the man of my dreams. But because I didn’t give up.
And my story’s not over yet.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
The Fortress And The Dove
The fortress
Made of glass that cannot break
Not like a heart can break
Or a spirit
But everything is visible to the outside world
Everything you could imagine
Timepieces
Antique furniture
Crystal chandeliers
Original oil paintings
The rooms are silent
Nothing is disturbed
By use or by life
Everything owned
But nothing wanted
Everything expensive
But nothing valued
Everything desired
But nothing loved
The dove
Born naked and alone
A combination of delicate bones and gray fuzz
Shivering in the sunlight
Dreaming of a far off place
Safety
Security
Protection from the winds
And wings to take flight
It’s the only way to escape
Or is it?
Wishing and hoping
In her mind’s eye and in time’s space
Her wings unfold
And off she goes
Into the world
Above and below
Fearless and unafraid
She feels her strength
But not her feet
And so the dove makes the fortress her refuge
Surrounded in luxury
In silence
The beating of her wings echoed only by the beating of her heart
She dreamed of this place
She feels safe
Separate from the outside world
And yet
That world still fills her vision
She can see the sun rise and fall
But not feel the warmth
She can see the flowers sprout and die
And suddenly she realizes
She’s watching life pass her by
The fortress
Made of glass that cannot break
And does not feel like a heart can feel
Pain or happiness or fear or anger
But an occasional vibration from within
It shakes the foundations and causes the walls to tremble
Never constant
But consistent
Unyielding
And to the outside world there is no sound
But the fortress hears
A frantic beating heart
Echoed by a desperate beating of wings
And a thump like a newborn’s kick inside it’s mother’s womb
Leaves a print outlined in blood
But the glass does not break
Not like a body can break
Or a spirit
And the dove
Dreaming of a far off place
She can see the sun rise and fall
But not feel the warmth
Separate from the outside world
Her wings unfold
It’s the only way to escape
Or is it?
- Shirley D. Downie, October 12, 2011
Made of glass that cannot break
Not like a heart can break
Or a spirit
But everything is visible to the outside world
Everything you could imagine
Timepieces
Antique furniture
Crystal chandeliers
Original oil paintings
The rooms are silent
Nothing is disturbed
By use or by life
Everything owned
But nothing wanted
Everything expensive
But nothing valued
Everything desired
But nothing loved
The dove
Born naked and alone
A combination of delicate bones and gray fuzz
Shivering in the sunlight
Dreaming of a far off place
Safety
Security
Protection from the winds
And wings to take flight
It’s the only way to escape
Or is it?
Wishing and hoping
In her mind’s eye and in time’s space
Her wings unfold
And off she goes
Into the world
Above and below
Fearless and unafraid
She feels her strength
But not her feet
And so the dove makes the fortress her refuge
Surrounded in luxury
In silence
The beating of her wings echoed only by the beating of her heart
She dreamed of this place
She feels safe
Separate from the outside world
And yet
That world still fills her vision
She can see the sun rise and fall
But not feel the warmth
She can see the flowers sprout and die
And suddenly she realizes
She’s watching life pass her by
The fortress
Made of glass that cannot break
And does not feel like a heart can feel
Pain or happiness or fear or anger
But an occasional vibration from within
It shakes the foundations and causes the walls to tremble
Never constant
But consistent
Unyielding
And to the outside world there is no sound
But the fortress hears
A frantic beating heart
Echoed by a desperate beating of wings
And a thump like a newborn’s kick inside it’s mother’s womb
Leaves a print outlined in blood
But the glass does not break
Not like a body can break
Or a spirit
And the dove
Dreaming of a far off place
She can see the sun rise and fall
But not feel the warmth
Separate from the outside world
Her wings unfold
It’s the only way to escape
Or is it?
- Shirley D. Downie, October 12, 2011
Addiction
Someone suggested to me recently that I spend too much time “doing for others” and not enough time taking care of myself. I know that probably comes across negatively, but it made me stop and think. The truth is, I DO spend a lot of my time doing for others. Granted, I have a somewhat selfish reason for doing so; it makes me feel really good. And for a girl who is all about feelings, it’s like my drug of choice.
Today is the Bunny’s birthday. I’ve noticed on Facebook that it is customary for loved ones to post birthday wishes to the person who has died; for some reason I’ve never been comfortable with this practice. Not to say that I think those people are wrong for doing so.. everyone gets to express his or her grief however they choose. But I guess for me, it gives off the impression that I am only thinking about the Bunny on “days of significance” (like his birthday) and the rest of the time I am going about my merry way. I know I am not alone in this, but the truth is I think about the Bunny all the time. I constantly compare my life now to my life then, I wonder what he would say or what he would think about the things I am doing, I hear his voice in my head whispering advice to me when my gut gives me a nudge to tell me I have strayed from my own path… and I guess the biggest reason is I like to keep the hurt locked down tight; close to the vest.
That same someone also told me that I am an expert at distraction. I am extremely skilled in diverting someone’s attention away from myself. In a certain way, my looks do that for me as well. Most people perceive me as this “beautiful” person and usually it’s enough to get them to stop and not look too closely at the person within. I’ve always been a loner, and I guess if I am being honest I would have to say that I am afraid. I have carefully crafted this persona of being brilliant, strong, loving, friendly, energetic but I suspect that if you dig down into me deep enough, what you would see is this scared little girl, questioning her value, thinking she’s worthless and unlovable, afraid to expose her heart for fear it’s going to get shredded – but I refuse to let that be the face I present to my world. So nobody gets to see that girl. And I realize now that this is probably one of the primary reasons that I go through my life feeling so disconnected and apart from humanity – and the same reason I work so hard to do for others: I have a secret desire for that scared little girl to be visible. To be accepted. To be loved for herself, with all of her flaws.
So today, I decided to make an effort to “take care of me.” It all started with me NOT setting my alarm clock.. I woke up whenever my body told me it was time (around 8:16AM), got out of bed, started the coffeepot brewing, and made myself breakfast. My plan is pretty open – a late lunch with a friend who is both a colleague and one of my unofficial mentors – followed by a 2-hour hike, then I am debating taking myself to dinner. I have to decide on that last one because I still haven’t figured out my income situation yet, so technically I really can’t afford it. But then again, today is special.
Today is the Bunny’s birthday.
Today is the Bunny’s birthday. I’ve noticed on Facebook that it is customary for loved ones to post birthday wishes to the person who has died; for some reason I’ve never been comfortable with this practice. Not to say that I think those people are wrong for doing so.. everyone gets to express his or her grief however they choose. But I guess for me, it gives off the impression that I am only thinking about the Bunny on “days of significance” (like his birthday) and the rest of the time I am going about my merry way. I know I am not alone in this, but the truth is I think about the Bunny all the time. I constantly compare my life now to my life then, I wonder what he would say or what he would think about the things I am doing, I hear his voice in my head whispering advice to me when my gut gives me a nudge to tell me I have strayed from my own path… and I guess the biggest reason is I like to keep the hurt locked down tight; close to the vest.
That same someone also told me that I am an expert at distraction. I am extremely skilled in diverting someone’s attention away from myself. In a certain way, my looks do that for me as well. Most people perceive me as this “beautiful” person and usually it’s enough to get them to stop and not look too closely at the person within. I’ve always been a loner, and I guess if I am being honest I would have to say that I am afraid. I have carefully crafted this persona of being brilliant, strong, loving, friendly, energetic but I suspect that if you dig down into me deep enough, what you would see is this scared little girl, questioning her value, thinking she’s worthless and unlovable, afraid to expose her heart for fear it’s going to get shredded – but I refuse to let that be the face I present to my world. So nobody gets to see that girl. And I realize now that this is probably one of the primary reasons that I go through my life feeling so disconnected and apart from humanity – and the same reason I work so hard to do for others: I have a secret desire for that scared little girl to be visible. To be accepted. To be loved for herself, with all of her flaws.
So today, I decided to make an effort to “take care of me.” It all started with me NOT setting my alarm clock.. I woke up whenever my body told me it was time (around 8:16AM), got out of bed, started the coffeepot brewing, and made myself breakfast. My plan is pretty open – a late lunch with a friend who is both a colleague and one of my unofficial mentors – followed by a 2-hour hike, then I am debating taking myself to dinner. I have to decide on that last one because I still haven’t figured out my income situation yet, so technically I really can’t afford it. But then again, today is special.
Today is the Bunny’s birthday.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Land Ho!
... and just like that, the Universe steps in and does what it does best: gives me a reason to keep fighting the good fight.
My horrific temp assignment finally ended - my boss actually called early Monday morning to tell the staffing agency that "Shirley isn't going to work out" - I was almost in tears when my staffing counselor called me later in the evening (tears of joy, my friend, tears of frigging JOY). Yea, Shirley doesn't work well in environments where you don't give a crap about helping people, about fixing obvious errors, about treating your fellow employees with respect, etc. etc. I feel a little sad for Faye; I don't know if she was made aware of the decision to end my assignment... but at the same time I remember a recent conversation with a girlfriend (during one of my tirades about this job) - it's one thing to be treated like shit; it's quite another to allow it to continue. Oh well. We all choose the life we live. I'm just happy - and relieved - that the Universe backed me up in my belief that I was meant for better things. And anything is better than what I went through the last week and a half.
So here's the beautiful part: tomorrow I begin another temp assignment. Gasp! "Oh noooooo..." you might be exclaiming right now. Haha. I interviewed for this position prior to being sent on the data entry fiasco, and really, really liked this company. For one thing, it's a media company. As a holder of a Communications degree, it's been one of my goals to get some work more in line with my degree. Makes sense since communication is one of my passions. My interview was with the boss; who worked up through the ranks, worked for another company in the same industry, then got to the point where he was ready to launch his own company. And because of his vision and business acumen, the company had thrived.
It was clear to me, through that brief conversation with him, that I could be happy at this place. The business itself is something that captures my interest, the position capitalizes on my strengths (sales & people skills), the department is newly established so there's room for my role to grow and develop. But it was also clear that this man really valued and cared about his crew - the employees - and it reflected off of the smiles on their faces, their relaxed postures, their overall friendliness - even to me, a stranger in their midst. I could feel the warmth in the environment. And I hoped and prayed that somehow, I would get the chance to go to work there.
And so... I got my chance. I start tomorrow.
Thanks, Universe... you sneaky thing! You had me worried there for a second. But you came through, as always. Maybe not on MY schedule, granted, but I DID say I needed to learn patience.
Still working on that one. Peace.
My horrific temp assignment finally ended - my boss actually called early Monday morning to tell the staffing agency that "Shirley isn't going to work out" - I was almost in tears when my staffing counselor called me later in the evening (tears of joy, my friend, tears of frigging JOY). Yea, Shirley doesn't work well in environments where you don't give a crap about helping people, about fixing obvious errors, about treating your fellow employees with respect, etc. etc. I feel a little sad for Faye; I don't know if she was made aware of the decision to end my assignment... but at the same time I remember a recent conversation with a girlfriend (during one of my tirades about this job) - it's one thing to be treated like shit; it's quite another to allow it to continue. Oh well. We all choose the life we live. I'm just happy - and relieved - that the Universe backed me up in my belief that I was meant for better things. And anything is better than what I went through the last week and a half.
So here's the beautiful part: tomorrow I begin another temp assignment. Gasp! "Oh noooooo..." you might be exclaiming right now. Haha. I interviewed for this position prior to being sent on the data entry fiasco, and really, really liked this company. For one thing, it's a media company. As a holder of a Communications degree, it's been one of my goals to get some work more in line with my degree. Makes sense since communication is one of my passions. My interview was with the boss; who worked up through the ranks, worked for another company in the same industry, then got to the point where he was ready to launch his own company. And because of his vision and business acumen, the company had thrived.
It was clear to me, through that brief conversation with him, that I could be happy at this place. The business itself is something that captures my interest, the position capitalizes on my strengths (sales & people skills), the department is newly established so there's room for my role to grow and develop. But it was also clear that this man really valued and cared about his crew - the employees - and it reflected off of the smiles on their faces, their relaxed postures, their overall friendliness - even to me, a stranger in their midst. I could feel the warmth in the environment. And I hoped and prayed that somehow, I would get the chance to go to work there.
And so... I got my chance. I start tomorrow.
Thanks, Universe... you sneaky thing! You had me worried there for a second. But you came through, as always. Maybe not on MY schedule, granted, but I DID say I needed to learn patience.
Still working on that one. Peace.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Floating On The Silent Sea
I went to my doctor’s appointment yesterday morning – this is the endocrinologist – she reviewed my blood sugars over the last six weeks (I am fairly diligent in keeping detailed records each day), expressing her displeasure as it appears that I am slipping in control over my lifestyle… which affects my blood sugar levels. I know that my eating habits are all messed up; I’m eating too late in the day, I’m skipping meals, I can test at a 61 right before dinner, but then wake up the next morning over 300. For all of you who aren’t familiar with acceptable blood sugar levels, a “normal” person (read: non-diabetic) runs between 80 and 120 all the time. So yea, I am all over the map right now.
I’ve figured out by now that a lot of my desire to take care of my health is directly connected to my outlook on life. Since most of the time I am positive and happy, it’s usually not a problem – I try to eat regularly, I love to cook so I have fresh and nutritious meals, I make an effort to exercise more (hiking, walking the dogs, etc). But, during these infrequent episodes of unhappiness – as I am experiencing right now – it seems that every negative thing is magnified in my brain. My filters cast a negative light on everything that I am doing, and pretty soon I feel a “why bother?” attitude fall on me… which is very hard to shake.
I was mentioning to Dr. Tran that I suspected this temp job I am currently assigned to is causing a lot of my unhappiness. I have never been good at doing things “just for the money” and this clearly falls into that category. A week and a half into it, and the toll it’s taking tells me that no amount of money or security is a fair exchange when you feel like your life has turned to shit because of it. When I step back and take a look at everything, I can see that almost everything that I’ve been working on before starting this job has now fallen by the wayside – I had been practicing my music (I haven’t touched my piano in over two weeks), I would make an effort to get out to my favorite hiking route in Signal Hill (haven’t had the energy or the time to block out the two hours it takes), I’m not cooking nearly enough (I’ve been eating things like Fritos, Fiber One bars, dill pickles, hard-boiled eggs, and peanut butter sandwiches day after day) – I am so literally beaten down by the time I walk into my house at night, all I can do is veg for a minute in front of the TV and stagger into bed shortly after 9pm. When I do end up trying to cook, by the time I am able to eat the food it’s already 7:30 – 8pm; way too late to be eating for a diabetic girl like myself. No wonder I’m waking up with over 300 blood sugars! So, it’s a collection of factors – all stemming from this job. Really, I equate it to being in an abusive relationship. Or maybe living with an alcoholic – sure, everything could seem to be going well on the surface, but the threat of “he’s going to come home and punch me in the face” always hangs over your head. So you live on edge. I am definitely on the edge.
A few of my friends that I have confided to about this job have encouraged me to quit it and get another one; that’s the plan, but I don’t want to give up on it just yet for two reasons: one, I don’t want to leave without having something else to step into, and two, as is my typical nature I feel like maybe there is something to be learned here. Maybe just that this is the alternative to whatever other job I am doing where I might normally see obstacles… you know, this temp job might teach me that “the grass is never greener” – it’s just a matter of perspective. What you are willing to accept, to work through, and to walk away from.
If I am being honest, I also know that a lot of what I am feeling right now coincides with the third anniversary of the Bunny’s death. On October 12, it will be three years from us celebrating his birthday in Las Vegas. On November 17, it will be three years from his accident. And on December 7… well, you know where that story ends.
I feel like I am failing the Bunny. I should have done a better job with everything… I mean, he gave up everything!! I was supposed to take the baton and run with it. But I’ve stepped in a big hole – I’ve twisted my ankle and I’ve fallen to the ground, writhing around, crying and screaming in excruciating pain. I don’t want to live like this! I can do more, I can be more – and THIS IS NOT WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE. I am not supposed to be here, miserable and alone. I am not supposed to be unhappy with my life – which isn’t to say I think it should be perfect all the time; no, shit happens and under normal circumstances I can deal with it. Good shit, bad shit. But I shouldn’t feel like there isn’t any point to waking up every day. I shouldn’t feel like I shouldn’t bother.
As bad as I may sound, and as crappy as I am feeling right now, there is one small glimmer of hope. And again, because I am the person that I am – I am blessed that as dark as things are, I still have the vision to see that teensy, tinesy flicker of light. It’s kind of like when someone camera-flashes you in the face, and even if you close your eyes you still see spots. You can’t look directly at them, but peripherally you know they are there – and it takes a few seconds before everything’s back to normal.
Yesterday – Friday – I was taking a break at the hospital. I usually go outside; I don’t like to be holed up inside all day as a general rule. So I walk outside, and it’s raining! I didn’t expect that, given that the sun was shining brightly when I walked into the lobby a few hours earlier. I sat down on a stone bench to watch the people come in and out – and in the ten minutes I was there, I observed two families come outside with their new babies. There’s something really touching about seeing a family with a new baby; their happiness and joy is so evident you could reach out and touch it. Or, it reaches out and touches you. Despite everything else, seeing those families with their babies put a smile on my face. Briefly, but it was there… just like that flicker of light.
And with just a bit of time, it will grow.
I’ve figured out by now that a lot of my desire to take care of my health is directly connected to my outlook on life. Since most of the time I am positive and happy, it’s usually not a problem – I try to eat regularly, I love to cook so I have fresh and nutritious meals, I make an effort to exercise more (hiking, walking the dogs, etc). But, during these infrequent episodes of unhappiness – as I am experiencing right now – it seems that every negative thing is magnified in my brain. My filters cast a negative light on everything that I am doing, and pretty soon I feel a “why bother?” attitude fall on me… which is very hard to shake.
I was mentioning to Dr. Tran that I suspected this temp job I am currently assigned to is causing a lot of my unhappiness. I have never been good at doing things “just for the money” and this clearly falls into that category. A week and a half into it, and the toll it’s taking tells me that no amount of money or security is a fair exchange when you feel like your life has turned to shit because of it. When I step back and take a look at everything, I can see that almost everything that I’ve been working on before starting this job has now fallen by the wayside – I had been practicing my music (I haven’t touched my piano in over two weeks), I would make an effort to get out to my favorite hiking route in Signal Hill (haven’t had the energy or the time to block out the two hours it takes), I’m not cooking nearly enough (I’ve been eating things like Fritos, Fiber One bars, dill pickles, hard-boiled eggs, and peanut butter sandwiches day after day) – I am so literally beaten down by the time I walk into my house at night, all I can do is veg for a minute in front of the TV and stagger into bed shortly after 9pm. When I do end up trying to cook, by the time I am able to eat the food it’s already 7:30 – 8pm; way too late to be eating for a diabetic girl like myself. No wonder I’m waking up with over 300 blood sugars! So, it’s a collection of factors – all stemming from this job. Really, I equate it to being in an abusive relationship. Or maybe living with an alcoholic – sure, everything could seem to be going well on the surface, but the threat of “he’s going to come home and punch me in the face” always hangs over your head. So you live on edge. I am definitely on the edge.
A few of my friends that I have confided to about this job have encouraged me to quit it and get another one; that’s the plan, but I don’t want to give up on it just yet for two reasons: one, I don’t want to leave without having something else to step into, and two, as is my typical nature I feel like maybe there is something to be learned here. Maybe just that this is the alternative to whatever other job I am doing where I might normally see obstacles… you know, this temp job might teach me that “the grass is never greener” – it’s just a matter of perspective. What you are willing to accept, to work through, and to walk away from.
If I am being honest, I also know that a lot of what I am feeling right now coincides with the third anniversary of the Bunny’s death. On October 12, it will be three years from us celebrating his birthday in Las Vegas. On November 17, it will be three years from his accident. And on December 7… well, you know where that story ends.
I feel like I am failing the Bunny. I should have done a better job with everything… I mean, he gave up everything!! I was supposed to take the baton and run with it. But I’ve stepped in a big hole – I’ve twisted my ankle and I’ve fallen to the ground, writhing around, crying and screaming in excruciating pain. I don’t want to live like this! I can do more, I can be more – and THIS IS NOT WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE. I am not supposed to be here, miserable and alone. I am not supposed to be unhappy with my life – which isn’t to say I think it should be perfect all the time; no, shit happens and under normal circumstances I can deal with it. Good shit, bad shit. But I shouldn’t feel like there isn’t any point to waking up every day. I shouldn’t feel like I shouldn’t bother.
As bad as I may sound, and as crappy as I am feeling right now, there is one small glimmer of hope. And again, because I am the person that I am – I am blessed that as dark as things are, I still have the vision to see that teensy, tinesy flicker of light. It’s kind of like when someone camera-flashes you in the face, and even if you close your eyes you still see spots. You can’t look directly at them, but peripherally you know they are there – and it takes a few seconds before everything’s back to normal.
Yesterday – Friday – I was taking a break at the hospital. I usually go outside; I don’t like to be holed up inside all day as a general rule. So I walk outside, and it’s raining! I didn’t expect that, given that the sun was shining brightly when I walked into the lobby a few hours earlier. I sat down on a stone bench to watch the people come in and out – and in the ten minutes I was there, I observed two families come outside with their new babies. There’s something really touching about seeing a family with a new baby; their happiness and joy is so evident you could reach out and touch it. Or, it reaches out and touches you. Despite everything else, seeing those families with their babies put a smile on my face. Briefly, but it was there… just like that flicker of light.
And with just a bit of time, it will grow.
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