Floating On The Silent Sea

I went to my doctor’s appointment yesterday morning – this is the endocrinologist – she reviewed my blood sugars over the last six weeks (I am fairly diligent in keeping detailed records each day), expressing her displeasure as it appears that I am slipping in control over my lifestyle… which affects my blood sugar levels. I know that my eating habits are all messed up; I’m eating too late in the day, I’m skipping meals, I can test at a 61 right before dinner, but then wake up the next morning over 300. For all of you who aren’t familiar with acceptable blood sugar levels, a “normal” person (read: non-diabetic) runs between 80 and 120 all the time. So yea, I am all over the map right now.

I’ve figured out by now that a lot of my desire to take care of my health is directly connected to my outlook on life. Since most of the time I am positive and happy, it’s usually not a problem – I try to eat regularly, I love to cook so I have fresh and nutritious meals, I make an effort to exercise more (hiking, walking the dogs, etc). But, during these infrequent episodes of unhappiness – as I am experiencing right now – it seems that every negative thing is magnified in my brain. My filters cast a negative light on everything that I am doing, and pretty soon I feel a “why bother?” attitude fall on me… which is very hard to shake.

I was mentioning to Dr. Tran that I suspected this temp job I am currently assigned to is causing a lot of my unhappiness. I have never been good at doing things “just for the money” and this clearly falls into that category. A week and a half into it, and the toll it’s taking tells me that no amount of money or security is a fair exchange when you feel like your life has turned to shit because of it. When I step back and take a look at everything, I can see that almost everything that I’ve been working on before starting this job has now fallen by the wayside – I had been practicing my music (I haven’t touched my piano in over two weeks), I would make an effort to get out to my favorite hiking route in Signal Hill (haven’t had the energy or the time to block out the two hours it takes), I’m not cooking nearly enough (I’ve been eating things like Fritos, Fiber One bars, dill pickles, hard-boiled eggs, and peanut butter sandwiches day after day) – I am so literally beaten down by the time I walk into my house at night, all I can do is veg for a minute in front of the TV and stagger into bed shortly after 9pm. When I do end up trying to cook, by the time I am able to eat the food it’s already 7:30 – 8pm; way too late to be eating for a diabetic girl like myself. No wonder I’m waking up with over 300 blood sugars! So, it’s a collection of factors – all stemming from this job. Really, I equate it to being in an abusive relationship. Or maybe living with an alcoholic – sure, everything could seem to be going well on the surface, but the threat of “he’s going to come home and punch me in the face” always hangs over your head. So you live on edge. I am definitely on the edge.

A few of my friends that I have confided to about this job have encouraged me to quit it and get another one; that’s the plan, but I don’t want to give up on it just yet for two reasons: one, I don’t want to leave without having something else to step into, and two, as is my typical nature I feel like maybe there is something to be learned here. Maybe just that this is the alternative to whatever other job I am doing where I might normally see obstacles… you know, this temp job might teach me that “the grass is never greener” – it’s just a matter of perspective. What you are willing to accept, to work through, and to walk away from.

If I am being honest, I also know that a lot of what I am feeling right now coincides with the third anniversary of the Bunny’s death. On October 12, it will be three years from us celebrating his birthday in Las Vegas. On November 17, it will be three years from his accident. And on December 7… well, you know where that story ends.

I feel like I am failing the Bunny. I should have done a better job with everything… I mean, he gave up everything!! I was supposed to take the baton and run with it. But I’ve stepped in a big hole – I’ve twisted my ankle and I’ve fallen to the ground, writhing around, crying and screaming in excruciating pain. I don’t want to live like this! I can do more, I can be more – and THIS IS NOT WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE. I am not supposed to be here, miserable and alone. I am not supposed to be unhappy with my life – which isn’t to say I think it should be perfect all the time; no, shit happens and under normal circumstances I can deal with it. Good shit, bad shit. But I shouldn’t feel like there isn’t any point to waking up every day. I shouldn’t feel like I shouldn’t bother.

As bad as I may sound, and as crappy as I am feeling right now, there is one small glimmer of hope. And again, because I am the person that I am – I am blessed that as dark as things are, I still have the vision to see that teensy, tinesy flicker of light. It’s kind of like when someone camera-flashes you in the face, and even if you close your eyes you still see spots. You can’t look directly at them, but peripherally you know they are there – and it takes a few seconds before everything’s back to normal.

Yesterday – Friday – I was taking a break at the hospital. I usually go outside; I don’t like to be holed up inside all day as a general rule. So I walk outside, and it’s raining! I didn’t expect that, given that the sun was shining brightly when I walked into the lobby a few hours earlier. I sat down on a stone bench to watch the people come in and out – and in the ten minutes I was there, I observed two families come outside with their new babies. There’s something really touching about seeing a family with a new baby; their happiness and joy is so evident you could reach out and touch it. Or, it reaches out and touches you. Despite everything else, seeing those families with their babies put a smile on my face. Briefly, but it was there… just like that flicker of light.

And with just a bit of time, it will grow.