Addiction

Someone suggested to me recently that I spend too much time “doing for others” and not enough time taking care of myself. I know that probably comes across negatively, but it made me stop and think. The truth is, I DO spend a lot of my time doing for others. Granted, I have a somewhat selfish reason for doing so; it makes me feel really good. And for a girl who is all about feelings, it’s like my drug of choice.

Today is the Bunny’s birthday. I’ve noticed on Facebook that it is customary for loved ones to post birthday wishes to the person who has died; for some reason I’ve never been comfortable with this practice. Not to say that I think those people are wrong for doing so.. everyone gets to express his or her grief however they choose. But I guess for me, it gives off the impression that I am only thinking about the Bunny on “days of significance” (like his birthday) and the rest of the time I am going about my merry way. I know I am not alone in this, but the truth is I think about the Bunny all the time. I constantly compare my life now to my life then, I wonder what he would say or what he would think about the things I am doing, I hear his voice in my head whispering advice to me when my gut gives me a nudge to tell me I have strayed from my own path… and I guess the biggest reason is I like to keep the hurt locked down tight; close to the vest.

That same someone also told me that I am an expert at distraction. I am extremely skilled in diverting someone’s attention away from myself. In a certain way, my looks do that for me as well. Most people perceive me as this “beautiful” person and usually it’s enough to get them to stop and not look too closely at the person within. I’ve always been a loner, and I guess if I am being honest I would have to say that I am afraid. I have carefully crafted this persona of being brilliant, strong, loving, friendly, energetic but I suspect that if you dig down into me deep enough, what you would see is this scared little girl, questioning her value, thinking she’s worthless and unlovable, afraid to expose her heart for fear it’s going to get shredded – but I refuse to let that be the face I present to my world. So nobody gets to see that girl. And I realize now that this is probably one of the primary reasons that I go through my life feeling so disconnected and apart from humanity – and the same reason I work so hard to do for others: I have a secret desire for that scared little girl to be visible. To be accepted. To be loved for herself, with all of her flaws.

So today, I decided to make an effort to “take care of me.” It all started with me NOT setting my alarm clock.. I woke up whenever my body told me it was time (around 8:16AM), got out of bed, started the coffeepot brewing, and made myself breakfast. My plan is pretty open – a late lunch with a friend who is both a colleague and one of my unofficial mentors – followed by a 2-hour hike, then I am debating taking myself to dinner. I have to decide on that last one because I still haven’t figured out my income situation yet, so technically I really can’t afford it. But then again, today is special.

Today is the Bunny’s birthday.