Cliffhanger

In my experience, communication is the most important aspect of interpersonal relationships.


I did something bad today. Okay, I attempted to do something bad. I received a question via text messaging from my boss; now you have to understand that, for the most part, my boss is a decent sort of woman. But when you are constantly being pulled in all directions through competing objectives as part of the internal structure of one’s organization – well, you get to the point where you pick and choose the battles you have enough energy to fight. As I have matured in my career as a working tax-payer and all-around contributing member of society, I have come to realize that all organizations are not created equally, or with the most benevolent intentions in mind. Some are, literally, all out for the buck. At no matter whose expense – their market, their employees, their very souls. But I digress.


So I receive this text from my boss, and I sent back the requisite answer to her question. Here’s the bad thing. I typed a follow-up text. If I am being honest (which I try to be most of the time, painfully so), there was no other objective in that second text other than to inflict pain in a mean-spirited and bitter fashion. I clicked “send.”


Now, here’s where the Universe does what it does best: SMS error 97, Message ID 209. Service denied.


Dammit! I tried again. Service denied. I tried a third time. Service denied.


And then I got the hint. Shirley, stop it!! I had a moment of clarity – only for a millisecond, but it was enough – and I realized that the only thing that message was going to do was make somebody feel bad, create negative repercussions, probably come back and cause more undesirable consequences for me… and so I too understood what the Universe itself was attempting to communicate to me. And it kept me from doing unintentional harm to myself.


Later in the evening, I went out with one of my girlfriends – she had this happy hour thing for work and asked me to be her “date” for the night. The bar-slash-restaurant where this little shindig was held was jumping pretty well; it was smack in the middle of downtown and there was some tasting thing happening all up and down the drag (where the local restaurants put out some of their food for people to sample, and the crowd roams around from place to place; giving up a specified number of tickets for a plate of yummy edibles). So we are hanging out with the group, getting drinks, getting appetizers, and we strike up a conversation with a few of the guys.


Now, I have to say, being a novice at striking up conversations with random guys I don’t know very well: I was pleasantly surprised to find that there are still lots of them out there that do have the ability to carry on witty and fairly intelligent dialogue (yes, I was worried). Until recently, I always assumed that the communication thing was innate in most human beings. Turns out that was a bad assumption on my part. I always thought the whole chemistry, x-factor thing was going to be the biggest obstacle to overcome. Yes, it is an obstacle – but not the biggest. Now I am realizing that I have to vett these people a little better from the get go, because the most annoying thing that I’ve come across recently is to be insanely attracted to a guy that I can’t connect to emotionally. That doesn’t know how to talk to me. That doesn’t speak the same language of my mind. And that, my friends, is the kiss of death.


Everything we do is communicating something to the external world – what we say, what we do, how we act in various situations, our knee-jerk reactions, when and under what circumstances our emotions take control of us (and our reason takes the back seat) – and you know what, the world is watching very closely. One of the guys my girlfriend and I were conversing with tonight – the conversation (given the alcohol and the environment) turned to sex. The three of us were fairly comfortable with the intimacy of the conversation, and in the ease of one moment of self-disclosure I admitted to being a “widow virgin” for the last two and a half years – at least until recently. This guy, David, immediately processed that statement and the first words out of his mouth? “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!” and I could see the sympathy in his expression. Very sincere. Authentic. Didn’t have to think about it – the words came immediately; kind of like how when you sneeze someone close by to you says, “Bless you!”


That’s exactly what I am talking about.


I’ve always heard for most of my life that it’s the sex thing that ruins relationships – don’t do it too soon because then you look like a slut; don’t hold out too long because then you come across as frigid – nobody seems to have their finger on when the right moment is between two consenting adults. But I think it’s less about that, and more about the communication. If I have sex with some guy that I am attracted to and he doesn’t see me or call me or make any effort to communicate with me for three weeks after – it isn’t the fact that the sex happened. It’s the lack of communication that will kill my motivation for any further interaction; physical or otherwise. And for all of you guys out there: if any woman ever tells you that she’s fine with “just sex” – she is LYING. To you, and to herself. Girls just aren’t wired like that. So as innocent and unattached and meaningless as you might pretend that it is, you can’t separate out the intimacy part. And communication is what drives the intimacy… just as sure as “no communication” will smother it.


I haven’t lost my sense of humor. There’s a lot of transition in my life right now, but I am still picking up bits and pieces of growth and learning along the way. So, it’s all good. Life is an adventure. And I can’t wait for next week’s episode.