Survival of the Fittest

Enter… Sam. Sam is the third person I’ve felt attraction towards since the Bunny’s death. In almost as many years, I figure that’s good odds. As time goes on, the idea that I won’t ever be attracted to another male always causes me a bit of apprehension. So, to get some validation from the Universe every so often that this is NOT the reality provides me with a small measure of comfort.


Sam has a lot going on. For one thing, we are the same age; foreign to me primarily because my “type” is usually a decade or so my senior (the Bunny himself was twelve years older than me). While not actually married at the moment, Sam is involved in what he describes as an “on again, off again” relationship – most interesting to me because it seems that he’s unhappy. It always baffles me when a person is unhappy, because there is a certain sense of accountability to be recognized. We all make choices as far as how to live our lives.. if those choices cause unhappiness, it seems logical to think that one would make different choices or attempt to change one’s own circumstances for the better, right? But, like other stories I’ve run across lately, the comfortableness of one’s life sometimes requires the happiness part to be sacrificed. I personally could NEVER make that sacrifice. But that’s one of the things that makes me different than most people I run across, including Sam: I am not afraid to be alone.


Sam is, for those of you who frequent the theater, the Phantom of the Opera to my Christine. I can literally think about the guy at any time during the day, and I can feel a corresponding physical response. It’s a little off-putting. And while this is a necessary requirement in any potentially intimate relationship, it is by far not the only one. It’s also pretty clear that Sam is attracted to me. But I think the most interesting thing is that he doesn’t seem to have any expectations of me. I noticed that right away. And it pulled me in.


Sam works odd hours, so most of our conversations have occurred in the late hours of the evening. This is tough for a girl whose normal bedtime is about 10 o’clock. I have to admit, Sam is not a very good communicator. It takes a bit of work on my part to get him to tell me what he’s thinking. But when I am patient and I don’t chatter too much or too fast, I notice he loosens up a bit as the conversation progresses. So there’s potential.


When we first began to interact socially, I had to give him my phone number twice, and it still took him almost a week to give me a call. At my first opportunity, I threw out the following comment: “I was beginning to think you had decided I wasn’t worth the effort.” I mean, I’ve already got self-esteem issues! Sam admitted to me that he'd intended to call me a bunch of times before, but I assume he couldn’t muster up the courage. I was slightly mollified.


I have nothing to go on but instinct. My gut tells me Sam is a good, decent, albeit confused guy. A guy I’m really attracted to. Which you would think lowers my defenses or compromises my judgment. It does neither. I trusted him enough to allow him to gain entry into my sanctuary – telling him he was pretty special, because nobody but nobody (as far as a potential suitor) gets an invitation to my house, ever – but when it came down to it, I wasn’t ready for him. “I’m scared,” I admitted. “Nobody has even seen me naked in close to three years.” Not something I like to admit, but hey! It is what it is. I can’t change the facts.


As far as taking risks, I figured I pushed it as far as I could. And Sam, he listened and he complied. He respected my choice; he left me in peace. Remember, he’s pretty much an unknown to me; I was worried he'd be like a lot of other guys – he wouldn’t take no for an answer, or he’d be pissed off at me and be mean; acting out in a negative way. He did none of those things. He kissed me, and he walked out without any drama. But Sam also left me with something I’m not sure he really intended to leave me with: he promised he would call me.


I have envisioned this future conversation numerous times in the past few days since we last saw each other. I've realized that Sam isn’t viable for a long-term relationship with someone like me. First, he is emotionally and physically inaccessible – I can’t call him whenever I want, I can’t text him for fear of causing problems with his on-again off-again relationship, and he doesn’t seem to be interested in spending any daylight hours with me. The fact that Sam is even interested in having sex with me tells me he’s probably getting very little “physical intimacy” hours at home – and the ones he is getting are probably not all that positive. But the most troublesome aspect is his tendency to accept this life that so clearly doesn’t fulfill him emotionally, spiritually, physically – in all the various ways a person should be engaged. He’s settling. Even though he’s clearly unhappy, Sam’s settling. And I think that’s the deal-breaker for me.


I’m not interested in being just a booty call. There’s a whole life that comes attached to this body – complicated, contrary at times, but also open and honest. I don’t lie. Ever. I don’t manipulate or play games. Ever. I’m never going to tell another human being how to live his own life – everyone gets to make that choice for themselves. And I am certainly not going to try and save anybody at my own expense.


Still waiting for my phone call. Chances are, this is done. Am I disappointed? Sure. But I’ll get over it. I don’t have the heart to be angry at Sam – for what? Not being the man I need him to be? He’s a good, decent, albeit confused guy. He’ll survive, as will I. But that doesn’t mean if I get another shot at it I’m not going to take it. Guess I’ll just have to play it by ear.


Is that music I hear? Or just the Phantom’s voice in my head?