Evolution of Emotion

Lately I've been thinking quite a bit about what it means to be loved by and in love with another person. I remember that I really felt like the Bunny loved me - maybe not by the universal standards of the word, but in all of the ways that were important to me; from my own personal perspective. I had this connection with him... but it wasn't one-sided. What I mean by this statement is I sense that when I interact with the people in my world, they definately feel my spirit; I get that. But it isn't often that I feel other people really "get" me. The Bunny made me believe that he really got me. He could see through the external: through all of my fears and frustrations, through all of my demons - and to him I was just a girl. Flawed. Fragile. Unsure. The Bunny became the compass in my world. Once I was pointed in the right direction, he let me take the wheel. He never tried to control my life... and in giving me this freedom, he captured my heart forever.

I don't recall ever experiencing this type of relationship before - neither one I observed as an outsider nor one I was involved in. For some reason I came to believe it was a rarity. Maybe I just wasn't able to see it. It's kind of like when you buy a new car, and all of a sudden you see that same make and model of car every time you drive down the road. You've driven that same road hundreds of times before, but that car never jumped out to catch your attention before. And all the same good feelings you felt to make you want that car in the first place are brought up again when you see other people driving it down the road - and you have to smile, because you imagine what those people are feeling when they drive THEIR car.

I'm feeling a little like that right now. Since the Bunny opened up my world, I observe my surroundings a bit differently. I can see the things people do with each other in their relationships - those little actions and behaviors that usually go unnoticed in daily life - that broadcast how they feel about each other. I see those things, and it hits me: he REALLY loves her... she ADORES him. The rest of the world might miss it - and I think that's what typically happens, because of the well-used phrases: "I have no idea what he sees in her" or "they seem so mismatched." I am convinced that when people love each other - really love each other - it's like they have created their own personal crayon in the box. It belongs only to them - a color no one has ever used before - no one else's eyes can even recognize the shade. It just doesn't compute in their brains. And for those two people, that unique color dominates the landscape of their world; defying explanation to others, strangers and intimates alike.

I have been imagining that future point in my life when I will launch into the next intimate relationship... I know it will happen. But the idea - as inevitable as it may be - fills me with fear. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of... I'm a mother, for Christsake. No starry-eyed virgin. I just don't want to get into anything I can't see all the way through - and I'm afraid what I will find out is life becomes this soul-sucking, obligatory ordeal that I can't escape. And it's this "not knowing how it's all gonna turn out" that makes me unwilling to risk my heart. Because when it comes down to it, it's me who has the issues. And if I crash and burn I have no one to blame but myself. I refuse to take anyone else down with me... especially somebody I care about.

I'm trapped in a world dominated by a shade - my and the Bunny's unique color - that my eyes are no longer able to see... but I'm not quite ready to leave it yet.