The Face Of Fear

So, last night my son blew past his "scheduled to be home" time and no phone call to give me a heads up. He showed up an hour later, but that was a most excruciating hour for me, given that my mind tends to create all sorts of morbid scenarios about what may have befallen him... I didn't used to be like this; I used to trust more in the concept of "God watching out for him" and believing that he'd be okay - but frankly, I think back to God not watching out for the Bunny, and then Liz - two people that I would have never conceived would be gone this early in my life, even with my overactive imagination. So, needless to say, all bets are off where expectations of "what could happen" are concerned...

Death of loved ones changes a person. I felt it after the Bunny, and I feel it again with Liz. Except the challenge I am trying to overcome is this: I had an internal sense - despite my sadness and angst - that the person I had become post-Bunny was a "better, stronger" person. Post-Liz, I feel like I have swung too much in the other direction. I feel more anxious, more "out of control." I used to feel I had a better handle on things, on those to-do's in my life. Now the majority of time I find myself procrastinating, putting off and putting off and putting off some more; as if my brain is sending me signals that are the equivalent of flipping somebody off. "Yea, so, if you DON'T get this done.. what's gonna happen? Is your life going to end? Well then, fuck it!"

That's my perspective lately. It's like I don't want to start a new project because every day the thought steals into my head: "If I die tonight, this project is going to be unfinished." I don't want to leave things unfinished. It's the equivalent of playing the game "Musical Chairs" - I remember playing it as a child, and the physical sense of unease that the music was going to stop, and I would be the one left without a chair to sit down in.

There's that saying I've come across from time to time "Live every day like it is your last" or "Live like you are dying" but in reality, if one was to truly live like that, it would be a very sad way to live. Living like you are dying tricks you into thinking that nothing you do matters. Like things are hopeless. Like you have no future. That's how I am feeling right now, even though I know - logically, intelligently - that this is not the reality. It's not MY reality. At least, it wasn't before Liz died.

Because I am the morbid sort, I sometimes imagine if one day, when my son is out having fun with his friends and NOT calling me to check in and put my fears to rest, that something tragic happens and his life ends. I can't even process THAT thought coherently. Gone is the belief that "she's been through enough, God wouldn't allow that to happen," now, I'm wondering how my luck's going to hold out. How many more of these events am I going to have to experience, and at what point am I going to crumble? How many different ways can one person be hurt? Let me count...

There's another saying: "God always takes the good ones." Why? Goddammit! If anyone needs more "good ones" it's all of us miserable wrecks here on earth! It's like a company facing layoffs - all the good employees leave. And it's the beginning of the end for the company, no matter how long it takes.

I'm struggling to keep hearing the music. I wonder if this is the beginning of my end.