Rosebud

So I received some feedback recently from some members of the Bunny's family about my recent decision to bury his ashes (see previous post). I have only myself to blame - I solicited it - and honestly, if I had to do over again I think I would hesitate to so willingly open myself and my motivations to people. No matter what their relationship to my husband, or - by default - myself.

Among the most disturbing for me personally: "Logically I understand why you want to do this, but personally I think it is a selfish idea... we want him back but this is not going to happen. It is fact, and all we need to do is accept it." "It would be unfair just to do something for our sake, just to try to make us feel better when it would not benefit us in any way." "None of this is about any of us. Our struggles. Our pain. Our issues. He (the Bunny) made clear what he wanted, and I think we should follow it through completely."

"Everything that was a possession of Russell's was bequeathed, and little is going the way Russ would have wanted. He would have been pissed."

I've realized something about the Bunny's death - I suppose it is true with the death of any loved one - death brings out everyone's true colors. It's kind of like when you first start dating someone - you don't really get to "know" them until you see them in various situations. Something as little as the guy opening the door for you when you get out of his car. Grabbing a towel to dry when you are standing there, washing dishes. Buying you a cupcake and leaving it for you on the counter, to suprise you when you get home.

These people, clearly, did not know the same man I knew, that I was married to. The man who I knew loved me - who inspired me, who made me happy to be alive, whose mission it was to make me the happiest wife on the planet. How did he do that? He shared my values, my dreams, my goals - he supported me, laughed with me, checked me when I worked too hard... and together we made a home. A life, together. Everything was right in the Universe, because I had this man by my side.

Would he be pissed? I agree. He WOULD be pissed. He'd be pissed that his family - people that have known him their whole lives - could remember him, in death, only in terms of "how it benefits" them and reducing him to the value of his possessions that certain individuals feel they are entitled to and have not yet received.

So to those people, I say "thank you." THANK you for saving me years of agonizing over how to bond with you or attempting to develop closer relationships. Because clearly, my memories of the man who was my husband is a different man than the one you knew. The Bunny NEVER made it about himself. And just like trying to describe a sunset to a colorblind dog, to continue to explain myself and my feelings to people that lack the capacity to understand them is just not something I think the Bunny would approve of.

An aside: I want it stated for the record that certain others of the Bunny's family have been with me - physically, emotionally - supporting me non-stop since his death. Taking an interest in my life, offering help, letting me talk, letting me vent, letting me cry... they've been around since the "before" part of the Bunny and mine's life, and even though they've shouldered their own pain and grief they have not abandoned me in mine. To those people - and you know who you are - you are forever in my heart; a place that knows you make the Bunny proud.

This is MY truth. Peace.