Holding On and Letting Go

I'm falling apart... I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing

So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')

I'm barely holdin' onto you...

- Jason Wade, Lifehouse - "Broken"


These are the lyrics of one of my favorite songs; in fact, it was one of the songs I chose to include on a CD of music I compiled shortly after the Bunny's death - songs that reminded me of him, reminded me of myself - in my own unique way of expressing my thoughts and feelings. Music does that for me... it's a huge part of my life, kind of like oxygen is a huge part of my life.

So recently I pulled out my copy of that CD and have been listening to it. I remember how I felt when I first listened to it... I realize I feel differently now that some time has passed. I still feel sad, mind you, but not quite so intensely. I know the Bunny would want me to go on with living, and be happy. And I AM happy... I just believe I would be MORE happier if he were here beside me.

I have plenty of things to do to keep me busy; both Christopher and I are still in school - he's hopefully going to graduate sometime this month, and I have three classes left until my graduation in October (five months from now) - so I am starting to salivate at the prospect of recouping the time in my schedule that right now is devoted to studying and homework assignments. And then there's my hike... actually, the Bunny's hike. My last, best tribute to honoring his memory. What will happen after that is anyone's guess. How am I going to feel? I don't have a clue. Am I scared? Shitless.

In my weaker moments I imagine myself hiking to the top of the mountain, feeling distraught, and flinging myself over the edge - thousands of feet straight down. Although I think I might hit some rocks along the way. That reminds me of a scene in one of the Bunny's favorite movies, The Emperor's New Groove. The dumb sidekick, Kronk, falls down a flight of stairs and each time he lands on a body part, he yells out the body part: Klunk! "Shoulder!"... Klunk! "Back!"... Klunk! "Knee!" - whatever it is Kronk says exactly, it always used to make us laugh our asses off. The memory of it makes me smile.

But here, in my day-to-day life, I feel somewhat hopeful. I have plenty to do, I am starting to make new friends, I've been making an effort to get out and socialize more... it's kind of like conditioning for my upcoming hike - I may bitch and whine a lot and feel like I just can't drag my butt out of the house - but when I do, I never regret it. There are still people in my world; I am not completely alone. I know people care about me. And I feel an obligation to those caring people in that I recognize that I AM STILL HERE. "Barely holding on," true, but holding on just the same.

What I've let go of is the need to know how it's all going to turn out. Just have to go with the flow. Just... breathe. Live. And be happy.

I won't forget, Bunny. I love you always.