Are We There Yet?

It's not feeling a lot like Christmas for me this year, and I can't quite put my finger on why that is.

Although I am not at my normal high level of happiness, I can't say my lack of Christmas warmth and fuzziness is due to sadness; in other words, it's not because I am feeling sad that I am not "feeling" Christmas. I recognize the motions, the flurry of activity around me - watching the news reports of holiday travellers braving the uncharacteristically challenging weather to connect with loved ones, the ebb and flow of shoppers as they run around frantically trying to check everyone off the gift list - and I am mostly unmoved by it.

It's not that I don't have anyone to be around this year. Yes, my son isn't with me, but so far I have received at least three invitations from friends to come and spend Christmas with... I know it bothers the people I care about to think that I would spend Christmas alone; and for that reason alone I am trying to make an effort to push myself towards some kind of plan of where I am going to be on that day.

But honestly, I don't know if I will be successful in making that plan. In a way, the thing I want most for Christmas this year is a little clarity. I want to be solid on the pieces and parts that make up my life - I want to be comfortable in my own skin. The past few weeks I have been brainstorming and strategizing about the activities (both professionally and personally) that I want to spend my time on in 2011, and this holiday down time is the most optimal opportunity to do that. Everyone else is busy with their loved ones, the hustle, the bustle... and I get to focus on: me. And when I look at it from that perspective, it's not such a bad thing. Right?

I was having lunch with an insurance colleague of mine earlier today, and I realized it still has the power to bring me to tears, this talking about my "new life" and how I want to create it. I imagine that once I can pull myself out of the intangible void of ideas and concepts and settle more into the concrete world of reality, I won't be so prone to being emotionally overwhelmed by these thoughts. It's kind of like being at the bottom of a huge mountain you are meant to climb, not having any idea of how you are going to make it to the top. But history tells me how: one step at a time. One foot in front of the other. One minute, then another minute.

Time does fix most things - not because it passes per se, but because everything else in one's world evolves through time's passage. Everything changes. I'M changing.

And all I want for Christmas this year is for time to pass.

Shirley's Theory of Relativity

Examiner.com article #1


At 4:08 a.m. this morning, my son Christopher left for boot camp. Several months leading up to his eighteenth birthday, Christopher was preparing to enlist in the United States Marine Corps - demonstrating an interest and persistence that I had not seen for anything in his whole life up until then.

Knowing this day would come, several of my friends have asked me, "So, Shirley, how are you going to feel when he is gone?" And my response has always been, "I don't know.. I will tell you when he's gone."

There is an interesting kind of symmetry...


Read the rest of this article here.

The Death of Communication

Recently I received an email (and subsequent replies) from certain members of the Bunny's side of the family - the side that I have learned, through past negative experiences, to steer clear of. Curiosity getting the better of me, I scanned through that first message. What caught my attention was the use of the phrase, "to my family." It was this sentence that stopped me cold.

I thought for a moment about who I consider to be part of my family. To me, "family" are people - through blood or association - who value my contribution to their lives. People who listen to me, ask my advice, call me out of the blue to just see what I am up to. People who emotionally support me. People who tell me when I am being stupid; but in a kind, unhurtful way. People who show me - by their actions and behavior - that they love me, no matter what.

In thinking back to those past experiences with the Bunny's relatives, not one speck of this criteria is met. But interestingly enough, this realization doesn't inspire any powerful emotional response from me. My thought process follows this vein: Me, them. Different values. Different lives. The Problem: their expression usually causes me pain. The Solution: close off access.

And the answer was suddenly clear. Their power is only as significant as the focus I give it. Kind of like that scene in Nightmare on Elm Street, where Nancy realizes that if she just turns her back on Freddy Kreuger, he won't be able to hurt her. She turns her back, and he vanishes into a puff of smoke.

I read two sentences of the second email, then I deleted it. By the time I received the third email, it was easy to delete without reading because all of my desire to communicate, to connect with these people, has died. In fact, the feelings I have for 'everything Bunny' - the human being he was, our life together - is more alive to me than anything with these people will EVER be.

One other thing that sticks with me from that first email. The on and on of how the Bunny and this person had such a "solid relationship." Yea, right. Talk is cheap. You can fantasize all you want about the relationship you think you had, now that the Bunny is dead and you have no opportunity to walk that talk. Just in the same way the people you care about - if they exist - might fantasize about you, when your day comes. But that doesn't change history. That doesn't change all the hurtful things you are capable of doing to people you supposedly care about while they are alive.

So, here is where we officially part ways. I wish you well in the life of your choosing. I choose something different.

Peace.

Edgy

I dreamed last night that my husband was making love to me... and I woke up very early in the morning (unusual for me - I'm usually not crawling out of bed until after 7AM) feeling VERY agitated. "Antsy" is my word for it. So that was how my day began today. Not a good sign, at ALL.

People that know all of my most intimate secrets know that as far as physical relationships go, I've never been what you'd call an "expert." Not to imply that I would rather be a big slut, mind you, but as far as sex goes the whole concept has always been somewhat baffling to me. Which is quite ironic, given that the Bunny was a guy with a fairly active sex drive. And I came to realize that, when my heart and my mind and my soul are tied up in it, I am a much more willing participant.

I worry about that now. I worry about the fact that through my relationship with the Bunny, I evolved into a higher comfort level in terms of physical intimacy. I know I probably come across as this intimidating, aggressive woman in real life - which invariably scares most men off - but I am definately no "ice princess." Even now, where I feel like I am capable of being in another such relationship, I don't really have the desire or energy to expend on the "looking."

And why not, you may wonder? Well for me, it begins in my head. And what I am afraid of is that the barriers and obstacles and walls around my brain are so thick, so strong, no one's going to be able to break through them. No one is going to be able to get to... me. I think my underlying fear is that even if that were to somehow happen, once they get in there they aren't going to understand me. Accept me. Love me. And the thought of that sort of rejection is too painful for me to bear.

I never understood how I managed to be lucky enough for the Bunny to find me. Because that's exactly what happened - I certainly can take no credit for finding HIM. In fact, if it were up to me, we never would have dated each other. That's how bad MY judgement is. And at this point in my life, that's probably about as good as my ability to recognize and appreciate another potential mate is right now. Crappy.

I spent some time visiting Liz this afternoon. I couldn't wait to get there, and when I did I immediately burst into tears - kind of like I knew it was okay to cry in that place. With my best friend close by. But I felt far from comforted; I felt very, very alone. I felt abandoned. I tried to talk to Liz, but because I knew she wasn't listening to me and couldn't talk back, it just wasn't the same. And I looked at the beautiful blue sky, and the ripples in the nearby lake, and the leaves gently moving in the trees - and I asked God why. Why am I destined to lose all the people that love me?

And as I was sitting there, crying, feeling sorry for myself... my boss and another gal on our team walked up, with an older woman. They were showing the woman some property. And my boss (who is the only other person I've met in my life who is very similar in personality and characteristics and experiences to myself) crouched down next to me on the grass, gave my shoulder a squeeze, and told me how blessed she was that I had come into her life. That I did a lot of great things for a lot of people, and that she admired my strength. I was an inspiration to her.

She wasn't put off when I sobbed, "I hate my life right now" and insisted I didn't know what I was doing. She smiled, looked deep into my eyes, and told me: "Shirley, sometimes you need to take some time for yourself. Just put all your worries to the side, and do what you need to do for YOU." And I thought of all the things I was worried about, and I thought back to my advice to everyone around me going through some of the losses I have also been going through: "It's going to be okay. Just take one day at a time."

And I got the message. I didn't lose all the people that love me; as long as I am alive and I have the capacity to love others, I will always have people that love me. I have to trust in that.

Here's a good quote I came across today. Compliments of Mr. Spencer W. Kimball, it fits the vein of this post:

"God does notice us, and He watches over us. But it is usually through another person that He meets our needs."

For all of you out there who are hurting, for whatever reason, whatever the circumstances - you must believe that there are people in your life that love you. They do. Absolutely. Those people may not be perfect, and they certainly aren't mind-readers. So whatever you need, it's up to you to communicate it. And if you keep putting it out there, and keep putting it out there, and keep putting it out there... the Universe, your friend, will find ways to help you get those needs filled. Peace.

Realignment

I was having lunch with a friend the other day; he asked me how I was doing. I am starting to get busier working with my families on the advanced planning side, drumming up more singing opportunities, feeling myself settling into some sort of routine - but I'm not happy. I think back to the Bunny and in comparison to how I felt during our marriage, no. Definately not happy.

Which doesn't mean that I am unhappy exactly; it's a very strange condition to find myself in. To add to my emotional dilemma, my kid was sworn into the Marines a week or so ago which means I've been forced to acclimate to the idea that he will be leaving my home in a very short period of time to start his own life. I'm glad I've managed (as a parent) to get him to this point, and naturally he is very excited; but as far as how I am going to feel without him close by every day? I won't be able to answer that question until he leaves. People close to me have asked me for that answer as well - I understand the worry that motivates those inquiries. But this is life. Life continues to move forward, and I must continue along with it.

If I had to pinpoint where I am right now, I would say that it is "in transition." I'm in between. As always, hoping for the best. Searching for inspiration. Trying to connect with people - trying to make it easier for those people to emotionally affect me. Interact. And ultimately, bring back my life's meaning. Sometimes it's a struggle, sure. But this is life.

And life is the keeper of my salvation. I just have to have faith.

The Natural Planning Model

Recognizing my ongoing struggles with my infamous to-do list, I decided to seek professional help. I came across a book recently, entitled "Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity" and I immediately thought, "That's for me!" I've had the book for a few months, and here and there as time has allowed I have been absorbing the tips and advice from "personal productivity guru" David Allen.

One of the projects I have had on my list that I haven't seemed to make significant progress on is cleaning up and organizing my home office. This room, out of all the rooms in my house, is a vital part of my core, my identity, the yardstick by which I frequently measure my self-worth. Yes, that puts a lot of pressure on such a small amount of square footage. But as is my nature, because I am constantly juggling multiple projects - both work-related and personal - my home office has invariably become my primary command center. And over time, as it has become more cluttered and out of control, I notice my stress levels and feelings of being "emotionally overwhelmed" have correspondingly risen. So now, I've decided to draw that proverbial line in the sand. Time to take back control of my office and my life.

Back to Mr. Allen. Chapter 3 is all about "getting creative projects underway" using the five phases of project planning. Don't get thrown off by the use of the descriptor "creative" - the phases can be used for all kinds of things on the to-do list. What's important is to understand the concepts, and then that understanding can be applied to a variety of different circumstances. One of the first methods Mr. Allen talks about in this chapter is the Natural Planning model. He uses the example of planning a dinner date - though most of us do this unconsciously and without thinking, we go through distinct steps to arrive at the end of that process. The result is: spending a nice evening having dinner with friends. But Mr. Allen breaks down each step of how we get from "I have an idea!" to the fulfillment of that idea. As an exercise, I used the Natural Planning model late last evening to approach trying to tackle my home office organization:

Step 1: What is your purpose?

My purpose is "to clean up my work space and have all of my work materials in specific locations in order to function effectively and productively with my sanity intact."

What I have learned about defining one's goals is, the more specific you can describe it, the easier it is to actually achieve success in accomplishing it. So, make a note of this.

Step 2: What does a "successful outcome" look like?

Again, this refers to my note in step 1. So, in imagining how I would like things to be where my home office is concerned, here are some of the requirements that have been bouncing around in my head:

• No papers on the floor
• Every new incoming piece of paper has a location where I can easily file or store it, thus easily locating and retrieving it when necessary
• Nothing piled up on my desk
• Dust-free
• I would feel a great deal LESS stressed out

Mr. Allen refers to this as "outcome visioning." You are defining the what - how the physical world should look, sounds and feels to you in a way that best fulfills your purpose.

Step 3: Brainstorming action steps...

In the Natural Planning model, once you have defined the what, your brain should automatically begin the brainstorming process. Mr. Allen describes this as your brain trying to resolve the gap between what you want (i.e. I WANT to have a clean, organized office) and the current reality (i.e. I currently have a cluttered, disorganized office).

Step 4: Organizing

Again, once your mind has created the list of to-do's, you will automatically start to organize them. In my case, I need to sort out all the papers on my floor before I can determine if a) a file exists for the information or b) I need to create a new file in my drawer. I need to pick the papers up off of the floor before I can actually dust and vacuum. And so forth and so on.

Step 5: What is the next action?

This is where I usually fall off the wagon... because what I've been doing is thinking about all of the steps involved in getting my home office to the desired state ("clean and organized") rather than just the single NEXT step in that project, I become paralyzed and my purpose never gets accomplished. So in doing this little exercise I now have a list of activities in the proper sequence, written down on paper so I don't have to worry I will forget anything, and a place to track my completion of each activity (I just need to line them out as I do them).

My next action? "Make piles of the stuff on the floor, sorting into the following categories: stuff to keep, stuff to do, stuff to shred/trash." I can certainly make piles - making piles is easy. That's what I've been doing all this time which has caused my current situation. I'm just going to tweak that one step a little bit, and that's going to put me on the path to accomplishing my objective... a clean and organized home office.

I can tell it's already working... I feel a great deal LESS stressed. I can't wait to see how I'm going to feel when I can cross this one off the to-do list for good.

The Other Nine

Way back in the formative years of my sales career, the Bunny had a saying for those times when I would go on an appointment with a prospect, make all the necessary and appropriate points in my sales presentation, but for some unknown reason my prospect didn't simply "roll over" as I had been conditioned to expect during my training classes. "Babe," he would say, "they don't have the same script as you do."

Usually I would spend the next several minutes griping and complaining and creatively expressing my frustration to my exceedingly patient husband; but in present day, when a similar scenario crops up... hearing his voice in my head saying those words to me, I can't help but smile.

Ever since the Bunny and I first got together and continuing on beyond his death, I have been "challenged" by members of his family. As conflicted as I've always been in trying to establish the parameters of my relationship with these people, every new negative altercation pushes me further and further away from the place that speaks to "the Bunny would want us all to get along..." While that may be true in a certain sense, I also believe that the Bunny would not want me to be the recipient of such hateful behavior as I've had the misfortune to experience from a few of them - and now, with the Bunny's presence no longer an obstacle I often feel like one of those new sorority pledges that suffer through hazing for a week, hoping to be included in the group. Except in my case, that week never ends... and it's becoming crystal clear that I will never be included. I will always be an outsider.

It's been eighteen months since the Bunny died, and periodically I receive paperwork in the mail regarding the disposition of the Bunny's estate. As his spouse and Trustee, all of that junk rolls down and stops at my feet, forcing me to deal with it. So the other day, I received some such paperwork, having to do with the portion of the Bunny's pension that was intended for his ex-wife as part of their divorce settlement (the Bunny was seperated when he and I met; when the course of our relationship became evident, he went ahead and officially filed for divorce).

The letter indicated that the company required some additional court paperwork from the ex in order to release her portion of the Bunny's pension, as per the preliminary divorce information the company had kept on file. Now, since the divorce, she had subsequently remarried and moved out of the country, so I guessed that they were sending me a copy of this paperwork because of the company's inability to connect with her.

I consulted with my attorney. I was technically under no obligation to take any action; according to the terms of the letter, if the company did not receive the requested court paperwork in a certain amount of time, the pension benefit would be released to the Bunny's estate. In other words, me. But when I thought about it, this had nothing to do with me. Thus... conflicted.

I finally decided to send the ex an email, explaining the details of the letter and what the company was requesting, why they were requesting it, and the contact information of the benefits representative should she need to talk to somebody for additional information. I kept the tone purposefully cordial; I closed with the statement "Hope all is well with you and yours."

I actually didn't expect a response, but boy, did I get one.

Acknowledging that she was entitled to the pension, the ex immediately followed up with "I will not be pursuing or responding to this matter" and that I could "have the money" as she was sure I would find something to do with it. She goes on to accuse me of believing I "am the only one entitled to his life and his death" and made sure to point out that I "was only in his life for a blink of an eye."

"I will never pretend that you mean anything to me."

Never in my wildest imaginings could I have expected this kind of hateful vitriol as this woman so seemingly effortlessly and gleefully spewed at me. What the HELL!!?! But there was a good side to all of this. That conflict from before? About the relationship? Gone. Resolved. That door was slammed shut, for good. And I'm okay with that. The Bunny would approve.

Was I upset? Sure. But just for that day. Two weeks or so have gone by, and my life has moved on. Past that moment, and past a miserable woman who clearly has her own demons to battle. The last thing I heard was that her current marriage was in trouble. Coincidence? Hmmmm.

But once again, I hear the Bunny's voice in my head... and I can't help but smile.

Peace.