Operators Are Standing By

In a discussion with a close friend recently, the following comment came up: “Shirley, it’s amazing to me that you are single!”

Well, I have a few things to say in response to that. First, I rarely think of myself in terms of “single” or “not single” because I get something out of interacting with every one of my fellow human beings. Yes, I realize the context in which the comment was intended involves the subject of dating. Which I am always open to, but never in an all-encompassing way. As I stated in a previous post, I am not afraid to be alone. Not that I particularly prefer that condition, but I’m certainly not going to beat myself up over it or cause myself any unnecessary anxiety.

I considered what my friend had said, and I came up with this hypothesis: I do believe that people in my sphere can recognize all of my positive attributes – the external and the internal – but I think that it takes a lot of courage to bring what I bring to the relationship table. I lay it all out. Sometimes that characteristic brings its own brand of pain. Discomfort. Not that I try to intentionally hurt others, far from it. But, I’ll admit, I can be pretty intense. I can be extremely emotional. I can frustrate the pants off my theoretical mate. In short, I am a big pain in the ass.

Now when talking about all of my friendships and others that don’t fall into the “intimate relationships” category (by the term “intimate” you should read: sexual), this tendency to be completely open in relationships is very attractive. It’s safe. My friends know from interacting with me that they can talk about anything and I will not be judgmental. I won’t hold our relationship over their heads. I won’t withdraw in disgust or horror or offense. I also assume I can interact in kind; there is no topic that is taboo for me, and when I bring it readily to discussion I think it puts others at ease because they can feel the implication of my trust. I am open to this degree because I trust them not to reject me. And through this behavior, my friendships have a tendency to grow very, very strong.

Back to the intimate relationship. I suspect that it is scary for another person who really wants to get close to me – physically, emotionally – when he realizes that while I may willingly throw everything that I am into our relationship, I do expect to be reciprocated. In other words, bring it ALL. The good, the bad, the ugly. I don’t want to see just the happy stuff or the prettiest picture. I feel like Eve who’s already taken a bite of the apple. Life isn’t always pretty. It’s real. It’s messy. Sometimes it bites. I want to see, feel, experience everything. And in doing so, I can feel like the world is solid beneath my feet. If I get overwhelmed or life is kicking my teeth in or I have a complete meltdown for whatever reason, I know that the other person is still going to be around to help me get through it.

So, this was the answer I gave to my friend. It’s tough for people to open themselves up completely to another human being, even one as wonderful as me (have I mentioned I am NOT humble, not by a long shot). I give it all, and I want it all. Add to the mix that I lean towards the aggressive, I’m pretty smart, I curse like a sailor, I’m extremely impatient… no wonder most guys run for the hills! Can’t say as I blame them. If I was a guy and I came face-to-face with me, I’d probably high-tail it out of there too.

This same friend and I were having lunch last week. During lunch I was telling a story about another discussion I had had shortly before; a discussion about suicide. In the suicide discussion there were two points I was arguing, because I didn’t believe they were true. The first was that the majority of people have thoughts of suicide in passing (like briefly, for a second, then it goes out of one’s head). The second was that for those people that have thoughts of suicide for longer than those few seconds, well, THOSE people were “crazy.” I was a little agitated as I was relaying this story, because technically speaking, I have first-hand knowledge of both of these scenarios. As a person who I believe thinks about death more than the average human being, I have somewhat an idea of what inspires thoughts of suicide, in passing or otherwise. When I was with the Bunny – throughout our entire marriage and including the three years that we dated prior to getting married – I never once thought about suicide. I am pretty impressed with myself over that, and it just reinforces my belief that the strength of a person’s relationships and happiness quotient are big determinants of overall emotional health.

As this lunchtime discussion was going on, one of the managers at the restaurant, Vince (this is my favorite restaurant where I eat regularly, so I am on a first-name basis with most of the employees) was making his rounds through the bar (yes, I have my own specially designated table in the bar) and couldn’t help but overhear my comments. My voice tends to project… what can I say? One of the benefits of singing regularly at church every Sunday. When my friend headed to the bathroom for a pit stop, Vince came over and whispered in my ear, “I don’t think people who think about suicide are crazy either.”

Now, if I had to guess I would say Vince is somewhere in his mid- to late- 50’s, at least. He ended up sharing a rather personal story with me, and based on how he told it, I surmised it was a recent occurrence – in the last few years, I’m guessing? Anyway, what Vince told me was that at the time he was going through his divorce, life was kicking him in the teeth, he was having a complete meltdown.. he ended up sitting in his car with the engine running. Had his wife at the time (the one he ended up divorcing) not broken the windows, he would have succeeded in killing himself. Around that same time, the woman he was dating called him up and told him that she was in love with him. That woman was now his wife. Those two actions – the previous wife’s breaking the windows of his car and the current wife’s admission of love – is what saved his life.

I’ve told this story a few times before sharing it in this post. It reminds me that everyone has a story. Real stories. Messy stories. This was the first time in my life that I questioned my belief that I was unique in wanting to connect as much as I do with others… Vince hardly knows me, yet he shared a very personal, meaningful story with me that afternoon. And in doing so, he established a permanent connection with me. Maybe I’m not so different after all. Maybe there are LOTS of people in the world, starving to make those kinds of connections with each other. I guess I’m just better at it than most, at least for now. I hope that over time, more people get better at it. If anything’s going to save the world, that will.

And as far as being single? Well, I am working on that… I’m not alone. Not by a long shot.

Peace.