Buddy, Can You Spare Some Change?

If I had to come up with a phrase to describe my emotional state right now, it would be captured by the following two words: completely spent. As in, I don't have anything left. My head is pounding, I don't feel like I have any energy, and - as usual - I have about a million things to do on that fucking list. That to-do list which never, ever seems to be done. Usually I can deal with that realization, but at this very moment it's just pissing me off. Everything is, at least for right now...

Now, there's two OTHER words that describe my emotional state: pissed off. In an earlier conversation, I summarized my current dilemma of not having my Liz here (previously filling the role of "best friend in the world" that was my sounding board, shoulder to cry on, sole person I would share all of my innermost thougths with, etc.) to connect with; to keep me grounded; to keep me... sane. Amidst all of this turmoil. Continuous movement underneath my feet. I feel like the proverbial dog that's been kicked one too many times. Enough already. Don't make me prove my love for you. I love you. Enough.

And there it goes.

If I want to indulge in tears, my own little "pity party" as I like to refer to it, I can do that all by myself. Which seems to be the norm lately. On both counts - being alone AND feeling sorry for myself. When I let my more logical side step in, I can figure out this probably isn't very healthy. Or productive. But sometimes the logical doesn't get a word in edgewise because the emotional is just blathering on, in the loudest voice she can. The silence is deafening.

So where is the positive in all this? This thought echoes words I verbalized earlier today. I'm struggling... struggling to find it. Am I looking? Absolutely. I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't look for the positive in the darkest of circumstances... but - as the Bunny well knew - I also wouldn't be who I am if I asked for help right away. Like my Liz, I can be pretty stubborn. More to the point, I don't know WHAT to ask for... If I am patient, maybe it will hit me.

Or maybe I just need a few more kicks.