Homicidal Tendencies

So, I had a dream last night. My mom was in it. Normally, dreams involving my mom are frightening episodes - revolving around her trying to kill me (literally). I've had these kinds of dreams from time to time over the last 39 years of my life, and what I have noticed is that usually this kind of dream is a notification of sorts... something in my real life is going to change. And not slight change - significant change.

This dream corresponds with my mood lately - I've been a bit unsettled. Now, more than any other time before - since the Bunny's death - do I have a sense of "This is my life. How do I want to live it? What do I want to create for myself?"

Speaking of creating, a good friend of mine turned me on to a book she thought I would get something out of: The Van Gogh Blues - The Creative Person's Path through Depression, by Eric Maisel, PhD. A primary theme in the book is how critical it is for a creative person (such as myself) to be engaged in "meaningful work" - work that matters. This echoes one of my own personal themes in life... I get a lot out of doing things that I believe have an impact on the people around me; my world.

There are two ideas I read in the book so far that sum up my current real life dilemma:

1. "You must find a way to survive, one that doesn't kill your soul or drain every ounce of energy from your body."

2. "A creator must stop pestering himself with the unanswerable questions that plague him - the need to know why he is alive, who or what made the universe, who can tell him about the meaning of life, what are the first or final causes - and accept as his mantra, 'I am alive.'"

Dr. Maisel acknowledges that being true to oneself, following one's passions, trying to find meaning inside life and living - it all takes a huge amount of courage. But have I not been told over and over how "strong" I am? I believe that I am; I try to live up to that reputation when I have my emotional lows... and fortunately I have enough support that when those lows appear, I am able to work through them fairly quickly. I am able to "bounce back."

I am strategizing about changes in my life; in the work that I do, in the activities that give me happiness and fulfill me. Changes I am thinking about now are more life-changing than when the Bunny was with me. I would have been content in my life then. Now the challenge is to construct a different picture - a life that I will be content in WITHOUT the Bunny. God, it frightens me a little to write that, and as I sit here typing those words, I am getting a little teary-eyed. That is the hurt that strikes at my very core... so I try not to indulge in thinking about it too often - just push forward, doing things, relating to people, and one day I will wake up and realize "You know what? I'm... happy. I am content. I am at peace."

And knowing that my husband would have wanted it like that will give me the strength to keep on that path.