I believe nothing shows more about a person's true character than his or her actions - how they behave in real-life, everyday situations.
I am happy to report that the latest "guy hang-up" I've been suffering from over the last several months has finally come to an end; I've had enough opportunity to observe the guy's behavior and determined that he's got some qualities that just don't jive with me. In other words, he's egotistical and a bit of a skank. All things being equal, my standards are higher than that. I deserve better.
I sometimes wonder if I am too judgemental. In the past few weeks I've been accused of being inflexible, limited, and a handful of other negatively descriptive words from individuals in my orbit - thankfully not people I consider to be my friends, but people that (by nature of these real-life, everyday situations) I have interacted with - and I keep coming back to my gut that tells me I don't have to explain myself to anyone. I am not looking to be "changed" to suit some outsider's perception of what kind of person they think I should be. What I AM looking for, is inspiration. Motivation. Warmth. Connection. Acceptance - warts and all. It sounds so simple, but believe me: the application of this concept is somehow very difficult to bring to life.
Back to my story. So! This realization - my emotional "letting go" of this fantasy relationship - caused me to think of people and behavior in general terms. I have frequent discussions with my friends about how people act and why they act that way... "he had a bad childhood" or "she was in a bad relationship" - these are reasons cited for the behavior I can see played out now. What annoys me is when people try to go one step further, into "excuse" territory - rather than simply provide an explanation of their questionable behavior, they try to justify why the world should accept it from them. "I had a bad childhood so I am now going to go through my adult life and treat other people like crap before they have a chance to hurt me like my parents did" - you know, everyone on the planet could find an excuse if they searched hard enough. Regardless of what anyone knows about their fellow man, everyone has skeletons in their closet. I don't understand why most people are so quick to believe that everyone else "has it better"... in that respect, we are all the same. We may not be privy to the intimate details of that inner closet, but believe you me; it's packed with all kinds of crap.
So in my opinion, we all start at zero. Everyone has different experiences - you have relationships with people and you get to find out what those details are all about. Those details are the crayons used to make people colorful, beautiful... unique. No two are alike. And you simply appreciate having those people around - not picking them apart, thinking "oh, I would not have used that color" or "there's an extra tree in the landscape I think throws off the balance of the..." You either appreciate it, or you don't hang it up on your wall. Period.
Even this guy. Not to say I wouldn't take notice if I were to visit someone else's house, but he's not the kind of art I want hanging up on MY wall. And that's okay. Because who I surround myself with - the people I seek to inspire me - says something about MY true character.
And my gut tells me I am on the right track.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Night Passes
I met a potential friend - "Tracy" - recently and was in the process of getting more acquainted with her when I hit what is, for me, a relationship-killer. To tell you this story, I need to tell you a few things first: When I meet someone and decide I would like to make that someone my friend, it's irrelevant to me the circumstances of our introduction... I know lots of other people like to place restrictions and limitations on friendships and other intimate relationships, such as "never date a client" - I call this tendency "putting others in boxes." I hate being put in a box, most especially the "client" box. Had this type of rule held solid when I met the Bunny, we never would have gotten married - because we were co-workers AND he was a manager while I was a mere line employee - and if you have been paying attention, well then you realize the significance of THAT story.
So back to this present dilemma. Coincidentally, the rule that reared its ugly head was the "You can't be friends with patients" one - so you can figure out that I met Tracy in the office of one of my medical providers (I have several). Ironically, Tracy is not my doctor, and neither am I her patient... but it was enough that I was a "patient of the office" and Tracy a temporary worker for one of the other doctors on staff (THAT doctor, also not MY doctor).
I will be the first to say that I understand that several people out in the real world create rules such as this. I get it. And I also know that sometimes - SOMETIMES - things can go awry when you start mixing up the boxes... but to me, those are the exceptions, not the majority. And as the Bunny always said: You should NEVER make the rules for the exceptions. It was no way to work, and it's certainly no way to live. Otherwise, people would be too afraid to get out of bed every day, for fear of the what-if's.
Needless to say, I had to share my point of view with Tracy, and it was not an easy conversation for me. I think she was suprised at the vehemence of my reaction, and accused me of being "inflexible." But to me, this is a core belief of mine that is being challenged. My friends get my full disclosure; and I don't relate to people from the perspective of "if so-n-so finds out about it, they aren't going to like it/like me/approve/I'll get in trouble..." Honestly, I don't want to work that hard, trying to remember who's not supposed to know what, or who I am trying to keep something on the downlow from. That's the beauty of just being honest and open with anyone and everyone I meet and interact with - it's so easy to be in relationships, in my experience.
I didn't have high hopes for maintaining a long-term friendship with Tracy already; in the last few weeks I could tell we were very different people. Not much in common. But I would not have had the heart to judge her - I hate when people try to make me into something "acceptable" so I in turn never go there with anyone else. I can either take them or leave them, and the same goes for me. We all have a choice in how we live our lives, and what kind of person we ultimately want to be. I, for one, kind of like the person that I am.
And as I told Tracy: For me, in MY life, my perspective is the only one that matters.
Peace.
So back to this present dilemma. Coincidentally, the rule that reared its ugly head was the "You can't be friends with patients" one - so you can figure out that I met Tracy in the office of one of my medical providers (I have several). Ironically, Tracy is not my doctor, and neither am I her patient... but it was enough that I was a "patient of the office" and Tracy a temporary worker for one of the other doctors on staff (THAT doctor, also not MY doctor).
I will be the first to say that I understand that several people out in the real world create rules such as this. I get it. And I also know that sometimes - SOMETIMES - things can go awry when you start mixing up the boxes... but to me, those are the exceptions, not the majority. And as the Bunny always said: You should NEVER make the rules for the exceptions. It was no way to work, and it's certainly no way to live. Otherwise, people would be too afraid to get out of bed every day, for fear of the what-if's.
Needless to say, I had to share my point of view with Tracy, and it was not an easy conversation for me. I think she was suprised at the vehemence of my reaction, and accused me of being "inflexible." But to me, this is a core belief of mine that is being challenged. My friends get my full disclosure; and I don't relate to people from the perspective of "if so-n-so finds out about it, they aren't going to like it/like me/approve/I'll get in trouble..." Honestly, I don't want to work that hard, trying to remember who's not supposed to know what, or who I am trying to keep something on the downlow from. That's the beauty of just being honest and open with anyone and everyone I meet and interact with - it's so easy to be in relationships, in my experience.
I didn't have high hopes for maintaining a long-term friendship with Tracy already; in the last few weeks I could tell we were very different people. Not much in common. But I would not have had the heart to judge her - I hate when people try to make me into something "acceptable" so I in turn never go there with anyone else. I can either take them or leave them, and the same goes for me. We all have a choice in how we live our lives, and what kind of person we ultimately want to be. I, for one, kind of like the person that I am.
And as I told Tracy: For me, in MY life, my perspective is the only one that matters.
Peace.
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