It’s All How You Look At It

Naturally the holidays had me feeling kind of down; it didn't help that all the daily activities I normally have scheduled just "stopped" - business was slow, I had a break from school for a couple weeks - it was very difficult to get out of bed during that time (much less out of my pajamas, which is the running joke amongst my friends). I even fell off the workout wagon since Thanksgiving (not just fell off; the wheels fell off the wagon and then the whole thing spontaneously combusted, as I told my trainer!). But now, at the threshold of a new year - what I consider my "wrapping things up" year - I am starting to feel the gears click and the engines heat up once again. Lots of things happen this year: most importantly, my son graduates from high school... which will mean some significant pressure will be taken off of me. This is the one thing I really don't have any control over, and trying to motivate Christopher with respect to his grades constantly keeps me on my toes.

In addition to that, I will be graduating in October myself... proud recipient of a Bachelor's of Science in Communications. No, it's not intended to get me "a better job" (a question people ask me all of the time). It's just something I wanted to do, and it's designed to give me a feeling of accomplishment. Besides the fact that I love the constant learning - it helps to keep my mind occupied. And I have launched into the remodeling of my house - fulfilling one of the plans the Bunny and I had made - another goal designed to give me a feeling of accomplishment, but in a different way. Most critical to my emotional state is ending up with my sanctuary. Someplace I can recharge; truly be myself... this could have been any place; I could have moved, but it turns out that place that was most comforting was here, in my childhood home, the source of all my "bad" memories from a dysfunctional childhood now balanced out by all of my good memories with the Bunny. Balance. Isn't that what life is all about? And then of course, my Yosemite hike - upon which I may reflect more on some future post.

I was at the chiropractor's office a few weeks ago, and in the course of performing his chiropractor responsibilities, he all of sudden exclaims, "What's THAT?" Now, this is the type of phrase you never want any medical professional to utter when he or she is examining you personally. Particularly when your filters imaginatively create some heightened emotional coloring to accompany the words, like say "horror" or "grotesque fascination" which of course mine have the tendency to do. Short story long, he sent me for an ultrasound, and I have some sort of miscellaneous fibroid thing attached to the left side of my uterus. I had completely forgotten that this particular fibroid was discovered a couple of years ago when I had some unexplainable - intense - abdominal pain; the Bunny was around then, and I remember how concerned he was - but it turned out to be nothing of concern to my primary doctor, so naturally I completely forgot about the incident.

The results of the ultrasound this time - again - not a big concern to my primary doctor; the fibroid is slightly bigger, but it isn't causing me any pain, so he is content to leave it be for now. Maybe one day it will explode out of my body like in the movie Alien (you know, the one starring Sigourney Weaver)... but if that day should ever arrive, I will deal with it then. No sense worrying about the "what if's" - those what if's may never happen, and excessive worrying has never had any impact on the outcome one way or another - it just makes you sick, emotionally speaking.

I am at the stage in the remodel where my kitchen was just completely gutted. Those who know me well know how important my kitchen is - cooking, particularly cooking for my loved ones, is one of my passions. It's funny - my birthday is coming up in a few weeks, and I am planning a little dinner party with some of my girlfriends - I can see party day arriving, and no kitchen to cook dinner in! But I'm not worried... and anyway, I have a back-up plan. What's important is spending time with people - WANTING to spend time with people - a desire that has eluded me over the past couple months.

Yup, the gears are clicking... now, it's time to start making plans.