Proof of Life

"Life isn't fair."

Those three little words can be so... so... so I don't know exactly. Unquantifiable? It's always in threes, right? Here's a good example: "I love you." See? A lump, right in the pit of your stomach. Like the center of your gravity has all of a sudden now centered in your mid-section, and somebody turned the dial all the way up.

Over the past few months, there have been many reminders for me about the unfairness of life. Like any other emotionally-driven, fallible creature these moments come hand in hand with the accompanying feelings of sorrow, despair, hopelessness, self-pity - aspects of my psyche that I like to pretend don't exist. And most significantly, anger. Ahhh, anger. I know thee so well.

"But Shirley!?! You are always so happy and positive all of the time!"

I've been reading a book lately, off and on; the book is about "the shadow part of one's personality." The shadow exists in all of us, and when we try to deny it, it usually manifests in our daily lives in insidious and potentially harmful ways. So the book tries to educate a person on how to first, acknowledge the needs of the shadow, and second, play nicely with it in your own personal sandbox. Human beings are multi-faceted, like diamonds. As happy and positive as I might appear externally, that should give you some idea of the depth and darkness of my own personal shadow. And because I keep it hidden from most of the outside world, there are demons hiding in that shadow that I struggle with constantly.

Continuous internal struggle takes its toll on a girl.

What the hell am I doing here?!? Is this thing that has evolved MY life? Really? That's what you are going with? It's difficult because while I am wallowing in self-pity, it's almost impossible to shake the negative feelings off and actually take action. When I am busy, when I am engaged - in work, in to-do's, in the interactions with my friends and my community - I feel most settled; at peace. And maybe that's my first clue: the majority of the aspects in my life right now are fraught with turmoil. Like I am traveling down a dark tunnel, and I have this sinking feeling that there's an oncoming train heading my direction... but I can't see it yet. I can only feel it. And the feeling is... scary.

It's times like this that I miss my Liz. She was such a balancing presence for me. She was my sounding board. My confidant. My voice of reason. My Jiminy Cricket. Liz could usually talk me down off of my ledges. GodDAMN it Liz is gone! GodDAMN it the Bunny is gone! GodDAMN it that I am here, alone, to figure all this shit out!!

Life. Isn't. Fair.

And so here I sit, drinking my morning coffee, listening to the radio playing in the next room... I take a deep breath. I wipe away my tears. And although I would rather just crawl back underneath the covers, I stand up. I set the cat down on the floor. And I head for the shower. I have to start my day. If that's the only thing I can manage to do right now, I know that the rest will take care of itself. Because even though life isn't fair, life is also relentless. Life keeps pushing me forward - forget that I don't really feel like going that direction! And when I get to the end of that tunnel, I might be surprised to see the sunlight on the other side. To feel the warmth of it, deep down in my soul. Get all those nasty demons out of there.

"Here I go."