Edgy

I dreamed last night that my husband was making love to me... and I woke up very early in the morning (unusual for me - I'm usually not crawling out of bed until after 7AM) feeling VERY agitated. "Antsy" is my word for it. So that was how my day began today. Not a good sign, at ALL.

People that know all of my most intimate secrets know that as far as physical relationships go, I've never been what you'd call an "expert." Not to imply that I would rather be a big slut, mind you, but as far as sex goes the whole concept has always been somewhat baffling to me. Which is quite ironic, given that the Bunny was a guy with a fairly active sex drive. And I came to realize that, when my heart and my mind and my soul are tied up in it, I am a much more willing participant.

I worry about that now. I worry about the fact that through my relationship with the Bunny, I evolved into a higher comfort level in terms of physical intimacy. I know I probably come across as this intimidating, aggressive woman in real life - which invariably scares most men off - but I am definately no "ice princess." Even now, where I feel like I am capable of being in another such relationship, I don't really have the desire or energy to expend on the "looking."

And why not, you may wonder? Well for me, it begins in my head. And what I am afraid of is that the barriers and obstacles and walls around my brain are so thick, so strong, no one's going to be able to break through them. No one is going to be able to get to... me. I think my underlying fear is that even if that were to somehow happen, once they get in there they aren't going to understand me. Accept me. Love me. And the thought of that sort of rejection is too painful for me to bear.

I never understood how I managed to be lucky enough for the Bunny to find me. Because that's exactly what happened - I certainly can take no credit for finding HIM. In fact, if it were up to me, we never would have dated each other. That's how bad MY judgement is. And at this point in my life, that's probably about as good as my ability to recognize and appreciate another potential mate is right now. Crappy.

I spent some time visiting Liz this afternoon. I couldn't wait to get there, and when I did I immediately burst into tears - kind of like I knew it was okay to cry in that place. With my best friend close by. But I felt far from comforted; I felt very, very alone. I felt abandoned. I tried to talk to Liz, but because I knew she wasn't listening to me and couldn't talk back, it just wasn't the same. And I looked at the beautiful blue sky, and the ripples in the nearby lake, and the leaves gently moving in the trees - and I asked God why. Why am I destined to lose all the people that love me?

And as I was sitting there, crying, feeling sorry for myself... my boss and another gal on our team walked up, with an older woman. They were showing the woman some property. And my boss (who is the only other person I've met in my life who is very similar in personality and characteristics and experiences to myself) crouched down next to me on the grass, gave my shoulder a squeeze, and told me how blessed she was that I had come into her life. That I did a lot of great things for a lot of people, and that she admired my strength. I was an inspiration to her.

She wasn't put off when I sobbed, "I hate my life right now" and insisted I didn't know what I was doing. She smiled, looked deep into my eyes, and told me: "Shirley, sometimes you need to take some time for yourself. Just put all your worries to the side, and do what you need to do for YOU." And I thought of all the things I was worried about, and I thought back to my advice to everyone around me going through some of the losses I have also been going through: "It's going to be okay. Just take one day at a time."

And I got the message. I didn't lose all the people that love me; as long as I am alive and I have the capacity to love others, I will always have people that love me. I have to trust in that.

Here's a good quote I came across today. Compliments of Mr. Spencer W. Kimball, it fits the vein of this post:

"God does notice us, and He watches over us. But it is usually through another person that He meets our needs."

For all of you out there who are hurting, for whatever reason, whatever the circumstances - you must believe that there are people in your life that love you. They do. Absolutely. Those people may not be perfect, and they certainly aren't mind-readers. So whatever you need, it's up to you to communicate it. And if you keep putting it out there, and keep putting it out there, and keep putting it out there... the Universe, your friend, will find ways to help you get those needs filled. Peace.