The Language Of Love

Recently I read an interesting book by Gary Chapman called "The 5 Love Languages" - the premise of the book is that every person has their own unique way of feeling love from the people around them. Each person can - through 1) Words of Affirmation, 2) Quality Time, 3) Receiving Gifts, 4) Acts of Service, and 5) Physical Touch - to some degree feel the love, but there is one that is considered the "primary" way. What's interesting about how Chapman explains each method is the fact that it is two sides of the same coin, the yin and the yang: one person's primary way of feeling love is also the way to hurt them deeply. Which means you could do some real damage to someone if you weren't careful.

There is a saying, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" and the same goes for feeling the love. I can tell my son that I love him until the cows come home, I can provide all the trappings of a good life, I can spoil him by buying him a bunch of stuff - but he may not feel truly loved by me. When I read that, in this book, it blew my mind! How could Christopher NOT know that I love him? It's like finding out all of a sudden that the world is round and not flat. But love is one of those mysterious things... most people think they have a handle on it, but they don't; not really. I have always assumed for most of my adult life - certainly for all of Christopher's life - that he could see all of my struggles, all of my frustrations, all of my anger, all of my tears, all of my questions about life and its meaning - and intuitively understand that all of it is driven by my love for him. But how could he understand that, I mean, really? Ultimately, it matters not if these things are true or untrue, if he never truly feels that I love him.

The other point the book makes is the importance of keeping someone's "love tank" full. The love tank is just like a gas tank in car. No gas in the tank, the car doesn't go. Not enough love in the person's love tank... well, then you start seeing a world of problems - acting out, rebellious or bad behavior - all sorts of things that you wouldn't immediately connect to not having enough or needing more love. I did use it on Christopher not too long ago, to put Chapman to the test: Christopher usually drags his feet when I ask him to do chores - taking out the trash is one of those. For a couple of days I made it a point to give Christopher a big hug and say "I love you" - sometimes randomly throughout the day, always before bed when I kissed him good night. He gave me a few funny looks - he isn't used to me expressing so much physical affection; I don't normally. But sure enough, shortly after that I asked him to take out the trash - okay, I DID have to ask him twice! But only twice - he did it without complaint. It was almost... magical.

I've been trying to find evidence of these concepts in the world around me. I'm still trying to figure Christopher out, but I know my own love language is a combination of acts of service and words of affirmation. If I've said it once to Christopher, I've said it a thousand times: "Why can't you just HELP me?" That's acts of service. Words of affirmation are a little trickier - that's when somebody tells me I am a good person, or that I did something good, or some other positive verbal reinforcement. But for me personally, it depends on who's doing the talking. If I think someone is just trying to manipulate me through flattery or something, well, that's just going to piss me off.

I'm still no expert at it, but it does make me stop and think from time to time. It's funny what a little love can do. Especially in a language you understand. When you can feel it.


"The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts" by Gary Chapman