Into The Fray

I recently celebrated my 39th birthday... sometimes it amazes me that I have lived this long! Yes, I realize time is all relative, but to me it feels like I've lived an eternity already. I think back on the different roads my life has taken, the people I've met, the things I've learned, done and seen... I've managed to be involved in some exciting things, and I credit the Universe for orchestrating most of it - I just went with the flow, I guess.

So I was having dinner with a good friend of mine, and we were talking about some of the exciting things going on right now - I am trying to get more involved in doing music (this particular friend is one of the musicians I collaborate with frequently) and out of nowhere I was suddenly overcome with anger and sadness that the Bunny saw fit to "leave me here alone" - emotionally it feels like I've been abandoned, having nothing to do with the fact that had he been given the choice, I am sure the Bunny would have chosen to stick around here with me.

A few weeks ago I was mulling over this "being alone" thing; I am overly sensitive to the possibility of being potentially manipulated by anyone I might become intimately involved with. I entertained the thought that I might be destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I can't picture it - my gut tells me I wouldn't be very happy in that condition - but it IS a possibility I cannot ignore. Who's to say the Bunny wasn't my only shot at long-term intimacy with another human being, someone I am in love with? As time goes on, I feel farther and farther away from a possible relationship that has the ability to fulfill me and at the same time, respect my need for individuality. Several of my friends think I'm a great person, but they aren't intimately involved with me either. I happen to believe that I am too much trouble for most men to bother with. I'm too... different. Unusual. Unpredictable. Aggressive. Opinionated. Emotional. Who's got the energy and patience to handle me? Sometimes I can't even handle me!

Speaking of energy, I can tell that I am starting to look forward to spending time with people outside of my house. I'm still not altogether comfortable with initiating (i.e. "Hey! Let's go to the movies/lunch/etc."), but I am more likely to say 'yes' when my friends suggest things. I'm making some new friends, spending more time with old friends, and feel my life gaining some momentum. That's important; keep moving forward, no matter what.

I'm still having crazy dreams - some are so vivid it's unnerving - mostly about people that have the power to hurt me emotionally. I only admit to it in my subconscious; the "have the power to hurt me" part. My heart doesn't see it that way, but my brain's got it all figured out. My musician friend tells me that everything doesn't have to mean something, that I should just let go of some things. But I disagree. I don't know what it is, or what the impact on my life will be. Anyway, it's impossible for me to let go. I could sooner cut off my arm. It's that arm that's caught in the snare. So I am staying put for now.

Things don't stay the same forever... of that I am absolutely sure.